Nine Years
by BullardCR
Summary: The Earth formed 4 billion years ago, the universe, recently predicted 18 billion years ago. To think such an insignificant, infinitesimally small period of time such as this could mean everything.
1. Chapter I: Humanity is Expendable

I do not own the rights to Neon Genesis Evangelion, or any of the characters, equipment, or locations written in this fanfiction. The purpose of this fanfiction is merely for the non-profit enjoyment of other readers. If requested by Gainax, Hideki Anno, or other parties which represent aforementioned objects in this story, I will remove it promptly.

**Chapter I:**

"I will never understand this weather!" Hyuuga grumbled, studying the radar date on his terminal display. "Overcast one day, sunny the next, but always hot and humid! It's been fifteen years. You'd think the Earth would start to wobble on it's axis to give us some seasons again!"

"What would you prefer?" Aoba grumbled. "Should the government squander more money on the space program just to try and correct the problem so you don't complain anymore?" Makoto went silent, looking down at his keyboard in shame. "Simple economics, my friend. The marginal cost outweighs the marginal utility."

Ibuki had been ignoring their chatter until the mention of the problem. "You know, it wouldn't be that hard," she began, before the criticizing eyes of her comrades made her think twice, "... to use an ion engine..." Maya went silent, checking her terminal again. More mindless routine, but she preferred that over combat drills. At least when things were boring it meant everything was stable; not necessarily good, but stable. But even when everything was mundane and routine, she still had problems.

Like how could she speak to these two presumed friends of hers? She only knew them from what they shared at work, and they only seemed to spend time with her because it was convenient. It was the same with Doctor Akagi, the mystery woman she encountered at her lunch break the day before. If it weren't for her graduate study of artificial intelligence allowed during her required service in the military to pay off college, the blonde would have ignored her entirely at the cafeteria.

She still had yet to determine if her feelings towards Captain Katsuragi were genuine, or a simple infatuation. Just because the woman had recruited her only a week ago was no sign her immediate superior had any feelings towards her. She was certain Misato was the one then, but only after the conversations with the woman about her past did the burden of her psychological problems start to make the option less attractive.

Now there were rumors spreading amongst the junior command staff about nightly visits by Akagi to the commander's office, of certain human fluids left behind for the janitors to clean up with some disgusted remarks, and the odd circumstances of the former Akagi's suicide. Maya was wondering if she would ever get laid. There were plenty of people in this new city, this Tokyo-3, but most were either superiors or her juniors. NERV would not look kindly on such a relationship.

She had been too shy and nerdy back in high school to find anyone willing to spend so much as twenty seconds around her, the length of time it would take for her to help her newfound "friend" solve the homework problem which stumped them the night before. College hadn't panned out, either, as every man or woman she ran into was already taken, planning their marriage since their high school graduation. Apparently it was a crime to still be single as a freshman in college. Only two groups fit into that category: the losers, and the sluts.

She didn't even know why she considered loving a woman. Perhaps, the lieutenant wondered, she was just trying to up the odds of getting _someone_ before she turned fifty. The bisexual clique was a popular one, after all, though it didn't help in the least. It was a choice for most of the girls who joined, all for an attempt to make up for some excuse of a "bad childhood" or the feelings of acceptance they didn't think they received. So much for Maya, as no matter how dejected or self-pitying a group she joined did she ever end up part of the crowd. She was forever an outcast.

Her terminal beeped once to the custom alert sound she had unlawfully installed, not that anyone would punish her for such an act. If it were someone else, the major or even the commander would start to grumble, but Maya was the good officer. The terminal beeped again, and dragged the lieutenant away from her angsty pity-fest.

"Wait... this isn't right," she breathed. A few more keystrokes, and Ibuki confirmed what could only be considered a fault in the sensors. She turned to Hyuuga. "Get Major Katsuragi." Although he was the communications officer, Makoto didn't respond. "Makoto!"

"What?" he snapped, wheeling about in his chair.

"This is _important!_" Maya breathed. But again, the two men ignored her. She finally ignored Hyuuga, walked up to his station, and punched in the commands to the loudspeaker system. "Captain Katsuragi, please report to the Comm."

"Hey, what are you doing?" Makoto grumbled. "This is _my_ station!"

"Then do your job, Lieutenant!" Ibuki shouted, pointing to the primary screen meters away at the far end of the complex. She made her way back to her terminal, and started keying in the codes. Hyuuga was about to return to his manga when the contours of the topographical map flickered, a single red speck blinking steadily at the far edge of Tokyo-2.

Aoba's jaw hung open, and Hyuuga stammered, forgetting procedures. But that didn't matter, as Maya was on top of everything. She quickly punched in the override codes she memorized the day before, the ones that allowed each member of the junior command staff take over a comrade's station if they died from an assault on the base. A few seconds later, she punched in the commands for the loudspeakers, and repeated her call. "Captain Katsuragi to the Comm."

"Damnnit!" Hyuuga grumbled as the fluorescent lamps began to flicker. He was flipping through a black binder filled with technical specifications and pages of procedures, a penlight in his mouth. "Aoba, what's the code for the general alarm?" Shigeru didn't answer, as he was having enough problems. The security system had suddenly decided to short out, leaving him in a flood of sparks to try and bypass the affected circuits of the radar. "AOBA!"

"Ibuki, why were you monitoring my station?" Shigeru grumbled, another volley of sparks flying as he fought his instinct not to touch the panel again for fear of a fatal electric shock. "I can handle it!"

"It's code P-thirty two dash one-seven!" Ibuki snapped. She never turned from her terminal as her fingers flew over the keyboard, each sequence in the initial unlocks to the catapults and the cages coming easily to her. Her introverted behavior was a gift in situations like these. When most people want to turn and look at the person they are speaking to, Maya simply looked ahead, processing the incoming data while bellowing out commands. "Aoba, put out those sparks. _Then_ I'll let you have your station back!"

Hyuuga typed in the commands finally, the general alarm blaring, the tacky, poorly designed rotating blue lights that could have been stripped off a police car making the dark confines of the Comm impossible to work in. By that time, the flickering target, as well as the map, disappeared off the monitor, Aoba's station disintegrating under the continuous short circuits. Still, Captain Katsuragi was nowhere to be found. In an act of desperation, Maya keyed the microphone again for the loudspeaker. "Senior command staff to the Comm."

"Where is she?" Hyuuga yelled over the blaring klaxon alarm. He kept flipping through the binder for the command structure sequence, as well as the commands for his station to temporarily disable the alarm. The alarm, however, cut out on it's own as the emergency batteries were drained. The lights and terminal displays each flickered and died. "What happened?"

"Main power cut out long ago," Maya shouted at first, but then lowered her voice as the shouting was no longer necessary, and she heard footsteps behind her. All three of them froze for a moment as Commanders Ikari and Fuyutsuki strode to their tier of the bridge. "We've been running on emergency batteries since _no one_ bothered to switch to auxiliary generators!"

"Correct, Lieutenant," Ikari growled. "Get auxiliary power online immediately!" Ibuki immediately rose from her chair, and started to walk towards the elevator to her right. "What are you doing, Lieuteant?" the commander snapped again. "Man your station!"

Maya shuddered. She had never met Gendo before, but any supervisor criticizing one's actions was enough to bring a cold sweat to a person's brow. Still, she managed to hold her place, clicked her heels to attention, and addressed her superior with a shaky but clear voice. "Sir, power cannot be re-established here!" Maya squeaked. "We can re-route through Cage Seven, but-"

"NO ONE GOES TO CAGE SEVEN!" Gendo roared. "Is that CLEAR? It is off-limits to all non-essential personnel!"

"Aye, Sir!" Quickly, Maya took her station, and using the small brass key on her duty keychain attached to the metal beaded necklace, unlocked the metal drawer built into her desk. Reaching into it, she retrieved a GMRS radio, most likely a Motorola product, though she couldn't see the label in the dark. Also in the drawer was a flashlight, up until this point charging off of the base station it was resting in. A quick click of the flashlight's switch, and keying up the proper frequency on her radio, she reported in to Cage Seven. "Comm to Cage Seven, report status."

Ikari strode away, leaning against the column which formed the frame for the upper tiers of the bridge, while Fuyutsuki studied the brunette lieutenant closely. "Cage Seven to Comm," a young male technician's voice broke over the hiss of static. "We have a situation."

"Go ahead," Ibuki started, retrieving her coffee-stained black binder. She had been pouring over it both literally and figuratively during her late night study sessions during her week's shift, trying to learn as much as possible. But at least she kept the pages clean, especially the logbook in back which offered plenty of scratch paper for a situation like this. Pulling out the pen from her left jacket pocket, she began to scribble down the status of the lower deck.

"Project E is undamaged, but we have a bakelite tank rupture! Three decks have flooded, and over thirty personnel missing, presumably dead."

"Christ," Hyuuga breathed, but was quickly silenced by Fuyutsuki as Ibuki continued taking down the message.

"Bilge pumps non-functioning," the technician went on. "Auxiliary generators are flooded, now hardening in bakelite." There was a short pause, as the technician drew a deep sigh. "Sir, we have approximately fifty injured, and the bakelite will seal all open escape routes in approximately two minutes. Sir...request permission to leave our posts."

Ibuki cringed, then took a deep breath. "Sir," she breathed, turning to Fuyutsuki, handing him the message and the flashlight. "Message received, awaiting confirmation and orders." Kouzou seemed to take forever to study the message, then handed it back to Ikari. Gendo didn't need to read the message, and simply glared at his former professor. "Sir?"

"Do we have confirmation of the target?" Ikari grunted from his position, hiding in the darkness. Hyuuga just sat there, stunned, but Maya was already making her way to Makoto. "I said stay your station!" Maya froze, then dejectedly shrank back to her chair. She knew if they survived, she would be running laps about the headquarters perimeter for sure. She had just recently been promoted to a full lieutenant rank, and here she was, playing the hot shot, about ready to be busted back to private.

Hyuuga fumbled with his controls, trying to use the hand crank generator to power the auxiliary tactical radio set, but the crank was stiff from lack of maintenance. In actuality, it had never been broken in yet, so it was felt there was no need to ensure it worked. It was a simple enough device compared to the rest of the instrumentation. It should have worked. "Sir, I am having difficulty-"

"We must therefore assume, Lieutenant," Ikari growled, "that the threat is real." He looked over to Fuyutsuki, who sadly nodded. Ikari could have given the order himself, but he knew better. This wasn't just a command decision. By giving himself a taste of power, Fuyutsuki realized, Gendo was really tightening his leash. The professor was forced now not just to obey orders, but make the necessary decision himself, and those future decisions were ground into the regulations of military duty, leaving Ikari blameless. The crew would hate both commanders equally, but also not seek leniency in the aging man. Finally, Fuyutsuki would be predictable, the burden of command giving Gendo a precision he could only dare dream of in his scenario. Wasn't it, after all, the Neuremberg trials which showed how easily men could follow orders?

"Negative," Fuyutsuki breathed. "Maintain your posts, and attempt to manually discharge bakelite with emergency aqueducts one through fourteen." Everyone on that tier knew the probability that plan wouldn't succeed, as the bakelite was already hardening. But there were no other alternatives. At least, Ibuki knew there were no other alternatives. "Relay the message, Lieutenant."

"Aye, Sir," she sighed, keying the microphone.

Immediately, the loudspeakers kicked in, overriding all other dialogue on the bridge. "This has been a defensive readiness _drill_," the monotonous voice of a female recited. Ibuki recognized the voice immediately, although she had only known it for a week. It was Misato. Gendo nodded, giving a slight smirk. Maya thought she spotted the captain, now disguised as an ensign on the lowest tier of the command decks. In a few moments, power was restored. "All station heads begin personnel evaluations and report at six-hundred hours for briefing."

Maya Ibuki sighed in the darkness, and keyed the microphone to the radio again. "Cage Seven, please confirm readiness drill." She didn't hate the technicians, as she knew they were selected at random to play their parts of the wounded, crying out for help, telling the command staff everything was in vain. What she hated the most of these drills was the inhuman nature of it all, and the fact she was desensitizing herself for the time when those casualties were real. One day, she would have to make a call like that. That was what it meant to wear her lieutenant stripes.

"Readiness drill confirmed, no casualties, all systems nominal," the technician reported back, his voice calm. "If it means anything, sorry, Sir."

"Roger confirmation," Ibuki croaked out numbly, a single tear sliding down her left cheek. She tried to hold the emotions back, but it seemed no use. But compared to Hyuuga and Shigeru, both men getting a stern lecture from Fuyutsuki, she felt a little pride. "One more day of not screwing up," she reassured herself. "Just three more years to go."

End of Chapter I

•••••••••••••

I swore I'd never do it, but somehow I just decided to give it a try. As you can see, this isn't following the standard "Maya flashes Shinji in a dark alley, where he proceeds to cry his eyes out" routine. No, this will take a different direction.

Now, to the people who requested the Pitch Black/Chronicles of Riddick/Eva crossfic: Yes, you won the vote by the majority. I will proceed with that soon enough, but I wanted to get this project under way first.

•••••••••••••


	2. Chapter II: A Comfortable Truth

I do not own the rights to Neon Genesis Evangelion, or any of the characters, equipment, or locations written in this fanfiction. The purpose of this fanfiction is merely for the non-profit enjoyment of other readers. If requested by Gainax, Hideki Anno, or other parties which represent aforementioned objects in this story, I will remove it promptly.

**Chapter II:**

To think, that was how it all started. Maya let out a slight smile as she stood in the train car in full dress uniform, right arm diligently gripping the leather strap dangling from the steel railing above. That was what was expected of her, of course. Passengers were supposed to handle the strap, not dangle like some kind of monkey from the bars, or worse yet, simply try to brace themselves against the vibrations of the tracks and disorienting motion of the train. Perhaps that was why she was only one of thirty-three back then to pass the readiness drills.

She followed orders, even the questionable ones, simply because they were rules.

It was unusual, she thought, that she would be called into work so early before her graveyard shift. It annoyed her, as she was planning to enjoy her day off doing... what? Ibuki cringed, feeling the cold air of the ventilation system blow, the whirring noise only a minor distraction from her thoughts. Truly, she still had no friends, and nothing to do. She could stay at home and play with her antiquated computer collection, each of the five machines old PCs and Macintosh units she had gotten for a real bargain through her old junior high. They weren't needed anymore, about to be discarded like so many other obsolete things, the things that reminded the world of the past.

But Maya treasured those things. The feelings went beyond simple nostalgia, of all the essays and projects she had typed out on most likely those five models that all sat in the school's library. Instead, they were a reminder to her of the time when there was no fear of being alone. Even with no friends, there was still time. There was always more time ahead of her than behind, all the time she needed to arrange her life the way she wanted it. When she ran her fingertips over those old, bulky keyboards and harsh contours of the slow, but still completely functional machines, she felt like she had gained more time. Not much, but enough to help her sleep at night.

But there was always the future. She had to remember that, no matter how bad things seemed in the present. After all, because she had proven, as Gendo put it, "that you are not entirely incompetent", she was introduced formally to Dr. Ritsuko Akagi. "Your background in artificial intelligence and computer science makes you adequate for the position of Dr. Akagi's assistant," the commander explained.

"Until now," Fuyutsuki said, taking over, "you have not been told the purpose of your station at the second command tier." The former professor walked out of the light, making him easier to perceive against the dark background. He stood out in all grays, Ibuki remembered, as if all his life were drained from him. "No one has! It was important to ensure total secrecy. Of course, that must have hindered what you had to do, but all we had expected of you was to flip the switches we told you, regardless whether you knew what they did or not." Kouzou paused. "Do you understand why, Lieutenant?"

"It is most likely easier to keep a secret if no one knows about it, rather than hoping they obey, is that right, Sir?" she answered as if reading the desired response from a textbook. She had learned somehow along the way to give the most comfortable, acceptable response, not necessarily the right one. Right answers were sometimes too harsh for the masses to handle, or the administrators behind comforting the masses. No, the military was a system, just like a computer. Right answers could be volatile, serving as distractions rather than useful data. What her superiors required, what her comrades hadn't realized, were comfortable answers. That is why she didn't complain, or truly speak her mind.

"Not quite," Ritsuko began, "but good answer." the doctor now pulled away from the light, again, like the professor, turning to grays, but of a much darker hue. "In truth, it was a psychological examination, the final examination, in fact, to select the primary service staff for NERV Headquarters, Tokyo-3 Branch. Those who were able to function under pressure, regardless of orders or their lack of information, are far more desirable for what our purpose is." Gendo gave the woman a stern look for her last response, causing Ritsuko to go suddenly silent. Akagi forced herself to remember her place, and the repercussions of her words. The commander was the deliverer of divine judgement, not God. He could deliver ultimate pain or pleasure to her, and she had experienced both with him, as her mother had.

"As such," Fuyutsuki continued, "you have the necessary background and passed our little examination." Maya started to smile slightly at this, until she felt a scowl grow on Ikari's face. She couldn't see it, because of the blinding light outside, but seeing just the pitch black void the commander formed in the way of that sunlight made her realize any human responses would not be tolerated while in this room. "As of sixteen-hundred hours, when all non-essential personnel have been removed for security purposes, you will be informed of the true extent of your position."

Maya realized she never had a chance. She wished now she had failed that examination, or that the train had somehow derailed, or had been delayed during the attack. As the alarm blared, the humanoid giant displayed on the main monitor after the N2 device had failed to stop it, she knew there was no way she could unlearn the truth. She would be the bringer of pain to all those who were capable of saving humanity from it's sins. She would be the whip in Gendo's hands to drive mankind on through the trials ahead, and she would be the one who would have to meet them, the saviors and slaves of their era.

•••••••••••••

He was weak, and he knew it. Shinji Ikari did not doubt his weakness, nor did he try to cover it up. But on days like these, he prayed to whatever pathetic creature in this world called itself God that he could have _just_ a little more strength. It didn't need to be enough to move mountains, nor enough to bludgeon that thing that called itself his father. No, he just needed the strength necessary to live with the consequences of saying "no". "I'll pilot it!" he screamed into the darkness.

Ibuki was on the bridge when it had happened. She did not know how the Child was forced to take the other's place, nor his name. At least, she didn't know until after the battle, after the truth was revealed as she eavesdropped on Ritsuko and Misato during recovery operations.

"He would use another pilot, just to make his own son pilot Unit-01?" Misato asked in shock to the doctor. "Look, I know it's necessary for survival, but it's just..."

"Wrong?" Akagi asked, looking over her shoulder as she knelt on the catwalk, studying the portable terminal's results. The laptop worked frantically, clicking and humming as the data from the entry plug's recorders were transferred to the hard disk, then played back, first in real time, then at four times normal speed, up until the anomalous readings occurred. "Please, if I remember you, weren't you the one to first argue morality was unnecessary? Wasn't that the first time I caught you and Kaji-"

"THIS IS DIFFERENT!" the captain screamed, then switched to a hushed whisper. It was now that Ibuki thanked her parents for passing down their superb hearing. "This isn't like a wild night in the sack, Rits," Katsuragi explained. "This is about a human life!"

"If you remember utilitarianism, the good of the many outweigh the good of the few. At least, that is how a scientist perceives morality. Virtues are for the heroes who wield the weapons, not the people who design them."

"So it's alright just to force Shinji into playing the hero?" Misato barked. But why should she question it? Wasn't that the roll of the dice? Fate had dealt them a bad hand, and sometimes, the good cards had to be exchanged for the trumps that would get you through the game. That was how the rational person would play. There were no room for heroes in a war of attrition. There were no decisive maneuvers, no sudden bursts of courage and pride that would save the day. No, a hero wasn't needed, Misato realized. "You want him to play the butcher? He _can't_ do that! He _won't_ do that!"

"Then that is his choice," Akagi answered. "We will just have to locate another." Misato knew she was speaking to a brick wall that wouldn't budge, but she had expected more from her friend. In that conversation, Maya learned what she had both desired not to know, yet also dreamt she would eventually know, once her task was done.

"Shinji... Ikari?" she repeated in a hushed whisper.

•••••••••••••

The week of nonstop work had drained her. She opened the door cautiously to her apartment, the five days worth of dust slowly flowing out as the new, colder air rushed in to take place of the stuffy, hot air which baked while she was away. The cots at headquarters were uncomfortable to sleep in, though she would have preferred them to the limited two hours a night she had managed since that creature, that designated Third Angel, had been destroyed.

The first couple days went rather slow as the technicians fumbled over the schematics, trying to learn how to service the thing that had been completed nearly a year before, in total secrecy during her training under Dr. Akagi. In fact, she was one of the few who knew anything detailed about it's assembly, as her first day under Ritsuko's command had introduced her to the upper torso of the purple, humanoid, yet inhuman figure. However, once it was stripped down to it's organic components, most of which had just needed to be placed in that odd Link-Connector Liquid, stimulated with an electric current to heal the damage, the repair of the artificial components went smoothly. It helped that most of the technicians had come from serving on aircraft carriers or various air bases, all learning the steeds of their knights quickly, as a result of need.

In this case, Maya reminded herself, the title of "squire" was more appropriate. The constructs were more animal than machine, and the task of supplying power or putting the things to sleep in bakelite could be more naturally thought of us feeding or maintaining the stables. But Maya's task was focused on the machine components, or rather the interface between organic and artificial. After making her way to the dusty couch, finding the sun-faded packaging of the ancient DVD of "Camelot", the parallel between the pilots and armored knights of the medieval period surfaced again. Then her role became clear. "I'm the one who supplies the spurs... to the horse and the rider," she sighed, letting some tears slip past her eyes.

Numbly, she cooked the packaged dinner and canned vegetables over the electric stove, stirring occasionally while checking voicemail messages or ironing her uniform for another day ahead of her. She hadn't had time to wash it, but the command staff would understand. She had tried to keep it in as good a condition over this last week as possible, sewing any fraying edges and quickly dabbing the stains from the instant-noodle products during her short breaks during the refit of Unit-01. Those would hold, she reassured herself. They would hold just like Unit-01, until a proper servicing could be done.

"Just another month, maybe two," she breathed a relieved sigh. Talking to herself, Maya determined at an early age, helped her collect her thoughts. The brain was a scrambled mess of incoherent thoughts, all buzzing and floating to the surface of consciousness randomly. That thought noise was the price of true creativity in problem solving. As such, voice was the only way to block out the random messages via a feedback loop. "Unit-02 will be here, then we can take our time. I mean with another Eva, we don't have to rush to get the only one combat ready, right?"

But more Units meant more servicing, most likely round the clock. Ibuki grumbled, then rose to her feet , shut off the heat on the stove, ate her food at an uncooked but comfortably warm temperature, and let the bowl of mixed-together side dishes sit with her as she sprawled out on the couch. The lieutenant's eyes closed, remembering the name she hoped she would forget. "Shinji," she muttered, falling asleep. Why did she have to remember him, or Rei? It was so much easier to force them on when it was just "hey you," or "pilot of Unit-01".

It was funny she was thinking that, as on the other end of town, another person, a much younger person, was wondering the same thing. Ikari stared up at his unfamiliar ceiling, and wondered if he would soon have the strength to give up. "It's easier when they're nameless faces, not people you know," he mumbled over the S-DAT player's music.

It couldn't even be considered his favorite music. Rather, it was the one and only tape he could find of his old teacher's before he departed. The man knew how his ward hated the silence. Silence lead to recalling vivid, painful memories. Therefore, the S-DAT was an improvised gift, something handed out to try and make the pain stop through mental stimulation. The tape was simply a collection of pop music from the end of the last century, something the man's deceased daughter had bought long ago for another trip, the trip which the man had originally handed out the S-DAT player as a last-minute purchase.

It was funny, Shinji thought, how his former guardian had told him the entire story of the S-DAT player's history, and refused to explain the whole truth behind his father's work. "This must be a more comfortable truth to tell," Shinji sighed, closing his eyes. It didn't matter whether it was a pleasant soundtrack, nor a pleasant reality to live in. What mattered was that it was comfortable enough not to be completely detested. "Could be worse," someone would usually say in a situation like this.

End of Chapter II

•••••••••••••

Okay, so a focus on both Shinji and Maya. Now the romance angle I'm shooting for should become a bit more clear as to the reader(s). At least, it will if the reader(s) are the type who watched the first "Underworld" movie, and picked up on the hint there would be a sequel (there will infact be a trilogy).

•••••••••••••


	3. Chapter III: Two Choices

I do not own the rights to Neon Genesis Evangelion, or any of the characters, equipment, or locations written in this fanfiction. The purpose of this fanfiction is merely for the non-profit enjoyment of other readers. If requested by Gainax, Hideki Anno, or other parties which represent aforementioned objects in this story, I will remove it promptly.

**Chapter III:**

"He ran away _again_?" Aoba grumbled from his station. Maya tried to hide her interest, but over the last few months, over the various battles, she could not help but find Shinji "interesting". At least, that was the least offensive way to put it. Up to the Twelfth Angel, she could agree with the boy's humanity, but now it had gone too far. The Child was becoming overtly aggressive and independent. To think, he had threatened to kill them all not three days before, and here he was again, running.

"Well, what would you do?" some ensign piped up, her shrill voice tearing into their state of groupthink. The woman was as mousy as a NERV employee could get, her hair chopped to shoulder length, the plastic frames of her glasses and hunched forward, jittery way she carried herself all adding to the image of a squeaking rodent. "He was ordered to kill an innocent person!"

"But it was an order!" Ibuki replied calmly. "There is a chain of command for a reason." Hyuuga and Aoba looked in surprise, watching the nervous lieutenant showing a calm resolve that was very rare for her. However, they knew after the years of working with her from her beginning days of training that she meant what she said. Maya rose to her feet, body at attention. "It was a bad situation, but there was only one option left. If you can't make a difficult call and stick with your guns, you don't deserve to be here. Do you have any more questions, _Ensign?_"

"I was just wondering, Sir," the mousy ensign continued, now starting to glare at her superior."There seem to have been a lot of cut corners while handling Unit-03." At this, Maya lurched forward and slapped the woman, sending the ensign stumbling back, dropping the clipboard of reports and official forms to be signed by the junior command staff. Ibuki was about to continue, but then remembered certain facts about the Matsushiro test.

"But... Major Katsuragi and Doctor Akagi were ordered there," the lieutenant started stuttering to herself, trying to counter her instincts. But her instincts were screaming at her now that something was seriously wrong. Even if two of the principal command staff were sent to Matsushiro, why had the minimum number of technicians been deployed? As Ibuki's mind raced, she knew something was off when she remembered who in particular was deployed. All of them were junior staff members who were rising in rank as back-up personnel in the event the main personnel were injured or killed. They weren't even ready to handle something as complex as a synchronization test unsupervised. That was about two weeks away in their training.

Ibuki retrieved the clipboard, glanced over the paperwork, making sure everything was in order before she signed each of the five forms. "Your duty is done here, Ensign. Please take these to Doctor Akagi."

"Yes, Sir!" the ensign pouted, giving a required but very sarcastic salute. Maya did not flinch in her duty, returning a proper salute. Makoto and Shigeru observed quietly from their seats, then returned frantically to their work when Maya turned on her heel, striding to her post. Regardless of how unpopular or weak she seemed off duty, when she was in that uniform, Ibuki was another person entirely. Her face had gone from it's perfection of young beauty with it's smooth features, to long, gaunt skin accenting the dark circles under her eyes. Finally, not a day before, this change took place. Her face was stern, as if chiseled from marble, eyebrows drawn almost horizontally across her eyes.

Makoto had given up questioning her resolve after the Thirteenth. Shigeru was still giving her snide comments and sarcasm, but even his humor was slowly fading after this latest development. Neither of the men would have thought about questioning her expertise or her loyalty to her duty at that point as Maya paused, not quite within arms reach of her terminal.

"Something wrong?" Hyuuga asked.

"Ensign," Ibuki shouted, causing the mousy woman who had just made her way to the elevator to jump in surprise. "What is your name?"

"Ensign Keiko Wanabe," the woman answered.

"Ensign Wanabe, do you have any other duties awaiting you after checking in with Doctor Akagi?"

"Yes, Sir," she answered. "This officer is assigned to training under Doctor Akagi as a back-up to the lead Evangelion support programmer-"

"That would be training under me, Ensign," Ibuki interrupted. "In that case, please take my station. Your training begins now." The ensign looked surprised, but slowly shuffled to the terminal, taking a seat. "Lieutenants Hyuuga and Aoba will assist you if you have any problems."

"But Sir!"

"You must learn at one point without the aid of someone looking over your shoulder. Isn't that right, Mr. Hyuuga?" Ibuki nearly let a grin slip from her masque of authority. However, she forced her granite features to remain solid. She was to be promoted officially in a few days to the rank of Lieutenant Commander, if all went well. For now, it was still just rumor or off the record remarks by Ritsuko, but she knew it was coming.

But when she thought about why it was coming, especially so soon after the attack by the Thirteenth, she had to wonder if she really wanted it. Then again, it was not like she could afford to turn it down. The higher rank would give her the few extra ten thousand yen a month she desperately needed. Living expenses were on the rise in the city, after the repairs to catastrophic damage, and the sudden decline in the city's population as everyone with enough sense got out of the battlefield.

"If you confirm a blue patttern," Maya continued, practicing her tone of authority, "follow procedures, and put headquarters on Alert Status Five." Ibuki tore the clipboard out of the ensign's hand. "In the event of an emergency, I will be on my way to take back my station, and only then will you allow yourself to stand relieved of your post. Understood?"

"Understood, Sir!"

"Wait, where are you going?" Aoba asked curtly.

Ibuki stopped short of the elevator, and turned to face her soon to be juniors. "An officer in the command position must sometimes take the necessary steps after their duty has been carried out to go the extra distance. It is that extra preparation that could mean the difference between life and death." She paused, watching the men stare back in confusion. "I thought you would have learned that by now, after our first days of training."

As the doors closed to the elevator, the muttered curses of the men she had just left behind muffled by the whir of the electric motor, Maya crumpled to the floor, pulling her legs to her chest, and let the slow, quiet tears drip from behind her eyes. This was as close to crying as she could afford while on duty anymore, but not in front of the men. "Shinji..." she breathed harshly, rocking herself slightly back and forth. "I finally understand."

•••••••••••••

The boy in question just stood there, numbly waiting at the train station. He was exhausted. It had been three nights of shouting and crying with Misato, pleading his case to truly give up. His stomach churned, making him wonder why he dared to have breakfast this morning. Doubts still plagued him, but he knew the only control he had over the situation, as sad as it was, involved who would pilot Unit-01. If he could not prevent tragedy from happening, he could at least remove himself from experiencing it.

"This is really what you want?" Misato sighed, making her disappointment in the boy as clear as possible. She was trying her best not to hate him, but nothing else mattered except his duty to NERV. She felt some regret, but not enough to counter her resolve of defeating her father's killer. If she could take the pilot's seat, she would have. Unfortunately, all she could do was force these "volunteers" onward, hoping they knew as little as she did.

Shinji was going to answer "No, but this is what I have to do," but he had learned that was a fatal mistake. Saying that it was not what he wanted would lead to Misato arguing and debating with him for days on end, eventually forcing him to give in. Then he would wind up right back where he was before, dealing with them in that apartment, with his "friends", and everyone coaxing him to keep fighting on their behalf. He would not make that mistake again.

"Yes, this is what I want," Shinji lied. As much as Ikari disliked the situation, there were moments between the battles, sitting down for dinner with Asuka and Misato, when he told himself "this is what normal people do, and I want it!" However, he would not trade combat for a normal life. Most kids his age didn't have to pilot a giant monster and risk their lives just to have two moronic friends and a couple girls who served primarily as eye candy. Though he would have piloted if there was something more, something he could not quite express at this time. He knew he desired something, but couldn't quite decide what that something was.

"Shinji," Misato sighed, "you really want to leave all of this behind you?" Ikari cringed for a moment. Again with the attacks, each one getting closer and closer to breaking his resolve. Shinji glanced down the track which disappeared off in the horizon. He could not wait for that train to arrive. There was only so many more of Katsuragi's tactics he could endure.

"For the last time, YES!" the boy shouted. "What do I have to say to make you understand? I don't want to pilot Eva!" As soon as he said it, the Child regretted his harshness. Now it was Katsuragi's turn to cringe, a slight tear tracing down her face. Shinji was about to let down his defenses and console the woman, the thought of "maybe if I stay..." playing through his mind. He was about to reach out when Katsuragi bolted for her car, leaving him behind.

Shinji sank to his knees on the concrete terminal floor, letting his single duffle bag drop beside him. He rocked back and forth, not really crying, but choking on each breath he took. The Third Child had experienced two types of loneliness before in his life. The first was loneliness by choice. This he could deal with, because even when he didn't want others to get close to him, he could still feel their presence. Sometimes, just sitting in the classroom during the lunch period was enough to avoid the pain of loneliness. The second was true loneliness, or loneliness by default, where there was no one else. In that case, he sometimes couldn't stand it, and found himself wondering why death was so feared. It couldn't have been as bad as the former.

It was the second grade of loneliness that whittled away at his mind now. He still had lots of time before the train arrived, and of course, he was the only passenger. How NERV managed to keep his presence discreet by these tactics, he could not comprehend. Ikari started to pound his right leg just above the knee with his fist, a mindless, repetitive task which seemed soothing to him somehow. He had avoided the habit as much as possible around Misato and Asuka, as they would have thought he was nuts.

The air crackled slightly around the high tension power lines which trailed along the steel tracks towards the horizon. It tasted stale, almost stifling, like being shut in a coffin. The insects buzzed, chirped, and flew randomly about, seeming to be mocking calls, or whimpers at his wake. The sun shone brightly with the occasional cloud obstructing the photons' path, merely emphasizing the peaceful, serenity of his passing. Other than those constants of life which had been present since mankind first acknowledged it's own existence, there was nothing. Ikari could slowly feel himself being pushed closer to madness.

•••••••••••••

It had taken Lieutenant Ibuki only two hours of research amongst the blueprints for Matsushiro, the technical reports of the minimal staff, and the timeline of Unit-03's development to spot the error. Thankfully no one above a lieutenant junior grade was manning the archives division, making any questionable behavior on her part disappear at the revelation of her rank. "Bastards..." she hissed. "It was a set-up."

Maya thought back to her promotion for a moment, and wondered what her two comrades had meant when they said that she changed. She had made more of an effort to carry herself with a proper posture, and show a greater confidence, but she didn't think that was any change in her behavior at all. She had been trying that for years, each day another miniscule progression towards her goal of self-respect.

"All those lives," Ibuki grunted, clenching her fists. "All those lives just thrown away?" Then she thought about Shinji again, having to sit there, possibly killing his best friend. It was one thing if it were unavoidable, but this was murder. Retrieving the hidden flash memory chip from inside her uniform's left sleeve cuff, she took some selected documents, and made her way to the nearest terminal. Lieutenant-commander or not, she knew she needed to have a back up plan.

End of Chapter III

•••••••••••••

Comments/questions, please write a reply.

•••••••••••••


	4. Chapter IV: Worship to a False Idol

I do not own the rights to Neon Genesis Evangelion, or any of the characters, equipment, or locations written in this fanfiction. The purpose of this fanfiction is merely for the non-profit enjoyment of other readers. If requested by Gainax, Hideki Anno, or other parties which represent aforementioned objects in this story, I will remove it promptly.

**Chapter IV:**

Just as she had been told, Ensign Wanabe had sounded Alert Status Five, the klaxon alarm blaring throughout the complex. Also, just as she had been told, Lieutenant Ibuki was immediately at her station. "What is our condition, Ensign?" Maya asked. She looked at the display, the worst possible scenario now apparent.

"Blue pattern detected," Keiko answered hesitantly. "Visual confirmation in three seconds." The main monitor flickered to life, showing another humanoid form, this one with stumps for legs ending at where the knees should have been, a bulky, overdeveloped upper torso, square shoulders with no apparent arms, and a white, skull-like mask covering the head. It was, Ibuki believed, the ugliest of the Angels they had encountered.

"Sorry I'm late,"Misato suddenly called out, stumbling to the lieutenants' command tier. "What is the status of the pilots?"

Keiko punched in a sequence of keys, studying the small video images which appeared on the terminal. "Pilot Soryu has entered Unit-02, and synchronization has begun," Wanabe answered. "Pilot Ayanami is in transit to Unit-00."

"No, send her to Unit-01," the booming voice of Commander Ikari projected throughout the command center. "Unit-00 is still undergoing repairs. We need a fully combat-capable Eva to defeat the Angel."

"Understood," Keiko nodded, entering the commands. Ibuki leaned over the ensign's shoulder, studying her inputs. The ensign was perfect for this job, which caused her to wonder why she was still here. "Sir, may I return to my station at the Cages?" Maya cringed slightly, then glanced back at Misato. Katsuragi gava a reassuring nod, as if she knew the questions which plagued someone new to the command role.

"No, you are doing well," the brunette answered. "Major, with your permission, I would prefer Ensign Wanabe take my station. I can instruct her from the Cages if there is any difficulty."

Misato didn't really understand why Ibuki wished to be closer to the Evas. The lieutenant had already proven with the few necessary keystrokes that any error with the Eva series could be dealt with from the command center. There was no need for her physically in the Cages, unless... unless she desired to be away from the command staff.

"Understood," Katsuragi answered confidently. "Do what you can to assist Doctor Akagi."

•••••••••••••

"Keep trying!" Gendo ordered over the public address system. Still, will alone would not prove useful in this matter. The Eva simply rejected the dummy plug. Unit-02 had been swiftly defeated, and Unit-00 was sacrificed resulting in only slowing down the enemy's advance. There was no other hope but to make Unit-01 accept its artificial pilot. That was the plan, at least, but fate never follows the course humans wish it to take.

"I will pilot Unit-01!" the Child screamed. Ibuki hardly recognized it over the loudspeakers as she used every means available to adjust the synchronization settings, hoping to get some kind of result. The voice was a scared, high pitched scream with words. It was the voice of someone who knew what they had to do, or were forced to do, but was still terrified of the implications.

"Why are you here?" the father snapped back in disgust.

"What is he thinking?" Maya shrieked to the techs. "Doesn't the commander even know the old saying, 'don't look a gift horse in the mouth?'" At that, she received a slap from her superior. Ritsuko was standing over her now, glaring down as though the lieutenant was nothing more than dirt to be trampled over.

"This is a personal matter, which relates directly to piloting," Akagi barked. "If Shinji simply thinks he can come and go as he pleases, he is sorely mistaken. Piloting is not a game. It is a strict responsibility, and regardless of his skills, he can't play some part-timer who simply shows up to save the day like an old-fashioned knight."

"But... isn't that what he's always been?" Ibuki retorted, almost without thinking. What was she doing? This was the woman who she looked up to since her training began, the one who taught her everything, and now her own apprentice was questioning her?

"If you have a problem with the way this operation is run, you can leave... now."

"But... don't you _need_ me?" the lieutenant asked. "Don't you need him? We're talking about life and death, here!"

The blonde doctor had no idea where this new confidence had arisen, but it was proving unproductive to retain the status quo. "We are an operation that demands loyalty, _Lieutenant_. Loyalty comes before all else. She paused, noticing the newly-arrived pilot, still wearing his standard issue school uniform. "Now, make your decision."

Maya glanced over at the boy, his eyes wide in fear. That was it, she realized. That was the simple reason he was motivated to do everything. It was fear. Not fear of dying, nor the fear of letting those he cared about die. The brunette understood completely. It was the fear of being alone, of having no one care for him because he didn't perform some task they expected him to. He was Pavlov's dog responding to a bell. When there was a task to be completed that he did not do, he was denied the one required element to survive. Not even a lab rat would protest, but Ibuki started to hope, even if that hope was small, that somehow, this one would.

"Doctor, I wish to put in my formal resignation," Maya grunted. "Once this sortie is complete, and the pilot safely returned, I quit."

•••••••••••••

Those were the longest thirty days of Ibuki's life. While she reluctantly followed the orders of her superiors, and was looked down upon by the technicians, the ensign which would take her place always greeted her supervisor with a smile. "Good morning, Sir," Keiko Wanabe greeted the lieutenant.

Maya shifted in her chair, face planted firmly in her arms, sleeping hunched over at the workstation in the Cage. "Uhhnn... morning already?" Ibuki groaned. "Damnnit... I just wanted a few minutes to rest my eyes!" The woman was already revived by the adrenaline in her system, pounding the terminal with her fists. "If I could have _just_ stayed away for a few more minutes-"

"Sir, we _all_ need rest!" Keiko argued, taking a seat beside Maya. "We are human after all."

Changing the subject quickly, Ibuki shifted her gaze to the purple construct, dark circles under her eyes. "Status still unchanged?"

Wanabe sighed. "I thought you were going to quit after the sortie."

Ibuki continued to stare off at the Eva. "I said I'd quit when the pilot was safely recovered." The woman turned her head, eyebrows furrowed. "Not until then!" The brunette paused, watching the ensign's face contort into a faint smile. "What is it?" she barked.

"I have a feeling," Wanabe answered, "that your persistence is not wholly driven by your infamous devotion to duty." Ibuki's face was too stiff from a lack of calories and sleep to show any outward sign to the ensign, but the way she tried to change the subject again on the recently increasing level of microwave radiation fluctuations from within the plug gave the matter away. "I knew it! You have feelings for the Third Child, don't you?"

"Ensign," Maya began, "that would be a serious breech of my obligation to NERV. A relationship with a coworker, especially in the military is completely improper!"

"But he won't be your coworker when you quit, will he?" Keiko grinned. For a moment, the reasoning was lost on Maya, the exhaustion wearing down her train of thought to only reciting the same figures she had seen on her terminal for the last 36 hours. Slowly, her mind processed the implied meaning, and ever so cautiously, the blood began to pool in Ibuki's cheeks, her face flushed slightly.

"Perhaps you are right, Ensign," Maya answered. "However, that will be an issue that cannot be taken lightly, and will involve significant discussion."

"With whom?" Keiko grinned. "The Child, or the Child Services officer that comes to ask what you were thinking when you're led away in cuffs?" Immediately Maya rose to her feet, about ready to deck the ensign, when Wanabe held up her hands. "I-I'm sorry, Sir!" she squeaked. "It was just a joke!"

"Just... get back to your post, and give me updates every hour!" Ibuki sighed, rubbing her face with her hand, trying to stay awake. "This conversation is pointless if we can't even retrieve the subject." Keiko nodded hesitantly, and walked down the platform to her station. As she did, however, Maya strode to the upper torso of the restrained creature, running her fingers over the section of chest with the armor removed.

"This is very difficult for me," she breathed at a whisper's volume. "I... I've never thought about it seriously before. First... I just thought you were here to do your duty, nothing more." The lieutenant started to smile. "You know, I even tried to avoid you by ducking into little alcoves and corridors in the base to make sure I wouldn't get too attached to you. I just... I didn't want to lose my objectivity..."

The lieutenant didn't even notice the major slowly walk down the platform come up from behind. She knew Katsuragi had been making regular visits to the Cage, but somehow the brunette had forgotten the time, or simply wasn't even aware of the time. Misato glared, listening to the confession, wondering what she would have to do about this once Shinji was recovered.

"The last thirty days, I've been thinking, and I can't help but admit it." Ibuki sighed. "It was supposed to be so simple! This was a big city, my tour was almost over, and I was just going to settle into a decent career. You know, then do the typical clubbing and scouting for any guy...or girl... which fit the bill." Maya blushed. "Probably... didn't know that about me, did you? Or did you even notice me at all?"

Katsuragi slowly approached the woman, still listening in, keeping her presence unknown. "I even thought about Major Katsuragi like that for a while." At this, the mentioned individual nearly stumbled to the catwalk floor. "I was just... I didn't think there would be any guys that would like me, and well... what else was there to choose from? They haven't exactly invented robots built for that function... _yet_."

The lieutenant cringed for a moment. "But it's more than that. I want someone who I can talk to, who I can love and who loves me for who I am. Even trying to find someone for a one night stand impossible when you're not following the latest trends, so what were my chances?"

"I think he understands," Misato answered softly. The lieutenant lurched backward, turning to give a salute and apologize, but the major stopped her before she could reply. "Yes, he has noticed you." Katsuragi approached the creature, tracing her fingertips, just as Ibuki had done before, over the exposed flesh. "He always wondered why someone like you worked for NERV, you know? Somehow, he couldn't picture you as fitting in around here. He said you always came off more like a strict school teacher than a soldier. But then... there were those days he would see you flinch around Ritsuko during synch testing." Katsuragi smiled. "He was the only one here, I think, who suspected that about you."

Gathering up all her courage, Ibuki sighed, and spoke her mind. "Sir, if he is retrieved, and I resign, what are your intentions?"

"Meaning?" Misato asked, raising an eyebrow.

"If this soldier intends to make herself available, would friendship with the Third Child be allowed, or would all contact be severed for security reasons?"

Misato nearly laughed. She couldn't help it. "You really are a strict schoolteacher, you know that? As for NERV policy, yes, they would ban you from seeing him." The facial expressions which had been frozen from exhaustion were now slowly fading into the lieutenant's skin, her lips pulled down in a frown, head drooping. "But I'm not going to let him pilot again, _ever_."

"Sir, he's the best we have-"

"He's the most unstable, flighty pilot we have!" Misato yelled, her right fist balled up, punching the chest cavity of the beast. "He does whatever he's told to with no will of his own, just to make people happy! He doesn't even care enough about his own life to take the obvious steps to preserve it, on or off duty." The major was crying now, leaning her head into the chest of the creature. "Stupid! He's so stupid, but you can't not love him, because he'll give it his all simply because he thinks it will make you happy! The only reason he quit is because it risked the happiness of others, not for himself!"

An alarm on Maya's distant terminal started to beep, followed by the klaxon projected by the loudspeakers. Maya sprinted to the workstation, punching in the sequences of keys, trying desperately to get readings from the sensors. "What... is this?" she gasped.

But Misato already knew what it was, as the entry plug retracted, tumbling from its socket on the spine of the construct down to the catwalk floor with a thud. Her stomach twisted slightly when the LCL was dispersed over the deck by the automatic bilge system. However, some pounding and a few ragged screams from within reassured her. "He's come home..." she breathed.

•••••••••••••

Comments/questions, please write a reply.

•••••••••••••


	5. Chapter V: The Same

I do not own the rights to Neon Genesis Evangelion, or any of the characters, equipment, or locations written in this fanfiction. The purpose of this fanfiction is merely for the non-profit enjoyment of other readers. If requested by Gainax, Hideki Anno, or other parties which represent aforementioned objects in this story, I will remove it promptly.

**Chapter V:**

"It's too early," Hikari groaned, still wiping the sleep from her eyes as she walked down the hospital corridor towards the gym labeled "Physical Therapy." It was five o'clock in the morning, yet still she came. Normally she would visit later, usually after class. However, today was different, and that brought a smile to her face. Today, Toji would finally be released.

"Come on, goddamnnit!" Toji's muffled grunts and curses slipped past the steel double doors of the miniature gym. Horaki started to jog, then run towards the doors, throwing them open. She could only imagine the possibilities. Suzahara could have broken the stitches holding his right arm together, twisted his back, or worse. These images just spurred her on, turning the corner to the left, just beyond the universal machine.

Toji was hopping on his remaining foot. No, as Hikari came closer, she finally saw the whole picture. Suzahara was in the middle of jump rope, Kensuke sitting on a bench beside the boy with a stop watch. "Come on, Toji," Aida pleaded. "Just thirty more seconds, and you'll make it!" He turned suddenly, hearing footsteps behind him. "Hold on a minute, Hikari."

She couldn't wait, though. Toji was sweating bullets, panting like a winded horse. "Toji!" she yelped. "Stop it! You're going to hurt yourself!" Of course, Toji Suzahara did not stop. He would not allow himself to stop, to remain defeated. Then again, the stabbing pain throughout the sole of his foot and ankle, not to mention his pounding heart were all screaming for him to stop.

"Toji!" the brunette cried.

"Don't talk to him!" Kensuke snapped. Hikari lurched back, on the verge of tears. Aida saw this reaction, and sighed, turning his attention back to his friend. "Come on, man! Just ten more seconds! You can do it!" Time slowed for the Fourth Child, and the words hardly reached his brain. His ear canals and entire head were throbbing now, the cardio workout limiting the oxygen flow to his senses. With each bounce, his foot skipping just over the jump rope, his vision blurred, tiny dots turning his normally clear vision into a haze of pixels. "Five, four, three, two, _one!_"

Toji's sudden halt caused him to lose balance for a moment, and stumble back before Kensuke rose to his feet, catching him. Hikari ran up to the pair of boys, a tear slipping past her face. "Sorry about yelling, Class Rep," Aida sighed. "It's just... this is harder than it looks, and he can't exactly answer back. He's too winded to talk and exercise at the same time."

"Stop... making excuses," Toji grumbled, beginning to cough. "I've been resting too long. If I didn't get out of bed, I would have lost everything I worked so hard to achieve." Suzahara nodded his head to his friend, Kensuke immediately letting go, the Child now standing on his own foot. Toji hopped to the weight bench with Aida, and sat down, Hikari immediately at his side. "I've lost so much strength, just letting my muscles deteriorate like that."

Horaki shook her head. "But, the doctors said you were fine-"

"Fine for a sedentary patient," Toji answered. "Not fine compared to where I was." Suzahara shook his head. "It's not just about being healthy enough to leave, Hikari. I've got one less leg, one arm was mangled, and my back had to be pinned together!" He watched the girl cringe, thinking he was going to feel sorry for himself. "Don't get me wrong, Class Rep. I'm not making excuses for myself. That's a waste of time."

"I... I don't understand!" she replied. "Then, what are you-?"

"I can't just be healthy enough to leave, and I can't just be as strong as I used to be," he answered. "I have to be _stronger!_" Kensuke smiled, remembering how it all started, with that call at four o'clock in the morning to his cell phone three weeks before. "Kensuke's been helping me train," the Child continued. "You see, I figured it out."

"What do you mean?" Horaki yelped. "Toji, you're not making any sense!"

"It means," Kensuke added, a slightly exhausted smile on his face, "we've been at this every other day from four o'clock until six."

"But, your physical therapy!" the girl screeched. "You're already working out with the doctors in the afternoon."

"Don't you see?" he said. "I have less muscles, less skeletal structure to work with now." Toji wasn't sulking as he made this comment. His face was aglow, not some crinkled, sympathetic look as though he were going to sob. No, instead, it was the same look he had on his face whenever the girl tutored him with his homework, and the idea finally sank into his head, the proverbial light almost visible as his face lit up. "It means I have to make what I have left even tougher!"

Hikari thought she had the idea, but couldn't quite grasp it. "What he's saying," Kensuke said, "is that he only has one leg to support his weight now, not both." Hikari blinked. "So, we've been working out every week, trying to make his leg stronger, so it can do what his two legs used to do together."

"Wait, what's this _we_ business?" Toji smirked, jabbing Kensuke in the rib with his elbow. Aida squirmed, and pushed the jock's arm away. "You just sit there with a stop watch!"

"Hey, I tried running the track!"

"ONCE!" Toji retorted. "You couldn't even keep up with me!"

"You were running a six minute mile _easy_! Your're just too fast!"

"Fast?" he exclaimed. "That was the first day ever running on that prosthetic! I wasn't running! I was practically stumbling."

Hikari started to giggle. It was good to see his spirits so high. Then, as the form on the clipboard in Kensuke's hand was passed to Suzahara, the Child signing the forms, Aida adding his signature as a witness. "Class Rep," Toji asked, Kensuke handing the clipboard to her. "Can I get you to sign this? I need two witnesses to show I completed the physical exam."

"Exam?" she asked. Then she saw the form. It was from NERV, a listing of physical fitness tests, including a stamina test, involving five minutes of jump rope. She held the clipboard shakily as her hands trembled. "You... you BASTARD!" she screeched, leaping to her feet. "You're going back? You nearly died, and YOU'RE GOING BACK?"

"Didn't you hear?" Kensuke asked. "Shinji left, and he was the best pilot they had! Asuka's losing her touch, and Rei, well.." All three paused for a moment, remembering how many times Rei was hospitalized, especially after this last time. Somehow, though, she always came back with similar injuries. Perhaps she favored one side in combat, but that was not their concern. "They need pilots badly!" The nerd paused. "That reminds me..."

There was a second clipboard now, Toji's signature as the witness, Kensuke's personal information filed in the top margin. Kensuke looked over the form again, a sad, but determined expression on his face. "You... you're BOTH going?" the class representative cried. "Are you INSANE?"

"No, we aren't," Toji answered. "We know the risks just as well as anyone, but we'll take our chances."

"But you could die!"

"We could die as innocent bystanders!" Kensuke snapped, rising to his feet. "Did you hear how many people got killed in the shelters last time, because Asuka was hurt, and her Eva crashed through the defenses?" Aida shook his head. "It's not her fault, as it wasn't Shinji's fault about Mari. We both know that. But if we can give them just a little more of an edge, just a tiny bit more strength, maybe we can make enough of a difference to stop others from dying."

"We don't care if we win," Toji continued. "We don't care about bruising the Devil's ego, well... at least not while piloting.." Both grinned for a moment, then returned their attention to the brunette. "As long as we can offer some fire support, an extra pair of hands, _something_, there's a greater chance we will all come out of this alive."

"What about Mari?" Hikari asked. "What about your father? Are you just going to make him take care of her?"

"Actually," Toji said, "we have that all worked out."

"How, _how_ do you have that worked out?"

"We made the arrangements with Misato," Kensuke answered. "They only need two people on stand-by each day. Misato will just have us rotate each day, so Toji and I can look after her. I've already talked to my dad about it, and he's fine with it." Then the girl started to cry. "Class Rep?"

She walked up to Toji, knelt to the ground, and started pounding his chest with her balled fists. "You stupid, selfish bastard!" she hissed. "What's wrong with you? I come down here, the day you're finally released, and you're running away from me again!"

Suzahara would have normally gripped the girl's wrists, and pushed her away. He was used to responding with aggression. It worked for him for so long. But after lying in that bed for weeks on end, plenty of time to think about NERV's offer, and their continued treatment of his sister, not to mention the safety of the girl in front of him, he had to change his strategy. He slowly wrapped his arms around her shoulders, and pulled her close. "It's not like that," he sighed. "It'll be just like Asuka, Rei, and how it was with Shinji."

"It's _not_ the same!" she started to sob. "I don't feel the same way about them, not like you!" Horaki knew what she was saying, knew it was not something to be taken lightly, and knew there was a third party present, overhearing what would soon become classroom gossip.

"I think... I'll leave you two alone," Kensuke said. "I"ll just... take our forms and leave. Catch up with you at class?"

Toji nodded, then turned his attention to the girl. "I am stupid, " he answered. "Stupid I didn't see it before."

•••••••••••••

Shinji was still confused why the housing arrangements had changed, and more importantly, why Misato started to quote the Section Two policies about civilians and pilots mingling so freely. Ikari shook his head, standing at the train station, waiting for his transport to Tokyo-2. From there, he was unsure of his destination. He could return with his old teacher, but even he was hesitant to take the Child back, now that he wasn't being raised with his father's objectives in mind. His life truly had no value to others unless he was performing a designated task. Somehow, Shinji found that wrong. His train of thought left him unaware of his surroundings, including the footsteps approaching from the stairs below.

"Shinji?" Maya asked softly, walking up to the boy. "Are you... okay?"

Ikari just stared ahead. "Yeah," he answered. "I won't be coming back. Misato's locked out my security clearance, so even if they need me, it won't be so easy to bring me back." He grumbled. "She thinks it's for my own good."

"Do you... believe her?"

"No, I don't," he replied. "They'll expect me to come back when the need arises. They're short on pilots, after all."

Ibuki couldn't help but get angry. "Do you _really_ think they are like that?" she snapped. "You think they'd use you?"

"Yes."

"What about _me_, Shinji?" Maya asked. She knelt beside him, glaring into the eyes of the Child. Shinji started to shudder, not because of her tone, but rather her proximity. His glazed eyes looked to the side, head turning away when Ibuki grasped his cheek, forcing him to look her in the eye. "I was the one who activated the dummy plug that day, after all!"

Shinji's blood went from ice cold to boiling instantly, as if exposed to a vacuum. "You..." he hissed. His hands were suddenly clenched. "You heartless bitch!" he churned out, voice low, eyebrows furrowed.

"It was orders, Shinji!" she protested.

"Yeah," he snarled. "That's what some people at Nuremberg said, too." He began to pound at his right leg, just above the knee again, the hollow smacking of skin against cloth-coated skin. Ibuki just stared, watching the Child perform his half-hearted form of self torture. At least it was better than cutting. To an extent, she understood. The dull, sore pain was just enough to distract him from the pain, she thought. It was the same thing she did. "You... I wanted to believe for so long there was something good and right about you... but you're just like the rest of them!"

Ibuki was nearing her limit, tempted to just leave the boy there. 'I can't avoid it anymore,' her mind shouted at herself. 'He deserves the right to live, just like you deserve the right to live! Any person, even if they are the worst person in the world, has the right to live!' Without hesitation, the former lieutenant's hands swung up, knocking the boy's arm off course. Maya's arms twisted his in a lock, and suddenly Ikari found himself looking into her eyes, arms pinned above his head.

"I could hold you like this indefinitely," Ibuki grunted, applying more pressure as the boy struggled. "However, your muscles won't hold together _indefinitely_! They'll cramp, and then.. there will be pain." Shinji tried to release her hold, but the woman applied more pressure to his wrists, straightening his arms, causing him to gasp. It was torture, holding his arms straight like that. "Are you going to talk with me like a civilized human being, or do you really prefer to struggle?"

It took ten minutes before Shinji nodded, sweat pouring down his face. Maya released her grip, and the boy fell into his slumped form. "How?" Shinji gasped, taking in ragged breaths as he was released. His body had been locked in a position which had tested his isometric fitness for over ten minutes, doing more for his muscles than what he experienced in gym class.

"Training," Ibuki answered coldly. "I don't like killing. That doesn't mean I don't know the tricks how to do it."

"You're all the same," he hissed again. "Just stay away from me!"

"You really hate people that much?" she asked. "Is that why you stay away from others?" Shinji rose to his feet, and began to walk off, hearing the rails of the station hiss. It was a sign the train was within a kilometer of the track. "Don't you _dare_ walk away from me when I'm speaking to you!" He turned for a moment, his eyes no longer glazed over.

That side glance was enough for Ibuki, that same look of despair she saw in the mirror every day. No, he wasn't running from others. He wasn't trying to, anyway. He was just like her, doing his best to interact with others, but it was no good. Maya remembered how Asuka acted towards him, how his father treated him, how even Misato used him as a substitute for a pet to cuddle or worry over. He was not an equal to those people. But who would want to be considered an equal to them in the first place?

"You wouldn't get it," he grumbled. "You're the same, but you still don't get-" He was cut off in mid-sentence as the woman started to advance slowly, her footsteps echoing, the hollow sound amplified by the empty train station. The squealing of the tracks began to pick up, the train clearly on its final approach. "What... are you doing?"

Maya held up a ticket. "You're not getting rid of me so easily," she said with a sad grin. "I'm under the same security requirement as you are. No former members of NERV are allowed anywhere within Tokyo-3."

"You did mention you would quit... that day," Shinji started. "I didn't think you would go ahead with it, though." Maya stared at him, wondering how he could have known. Then it dawned on her, just as Shinji explained it. "Yes, I heard everything over that month. Every confession from every technician about cheating on their wives, the laundered money, tax evasion, the officers talking about pulling the plug on me, everything. Why did you quit, anyway?"

"You think I like the things I've had to do?" she asked. "You think I like sending kids out to die?"

"You were following orders," he explained, the train pulling up, sending a gust of wind through the station. The doors swung open on their actuators, the call for the only two passengers leaving the Fortress City sounding over the speakers. Shinji advanced up the stairs into the nearest passenger car, dragging his luggage as if they were a burden, the objects which reminded him of his suffering. "Just keep telling yourself that, and you'll feel much better."

"I quit! Isn't that enough?" Maya asked, following him into the car, carrying only the clothes on her back.

Shinji looked at her confused. "If you quit, where is your baggage?"

"I'm leaving it to NERV... _all_ of it!" she muttered. "My laptop and my clothes are the only things I can still stand to keep in my hands. Those won't remind me of this place... this job." Shinji didn't believe her. "What I have left has been shipped to the apartment already." Again, Shinji didn't believe her. "I have a job arranged with a business software firm, and they're paying for my moving expenses."

"I see..." Shinji answered coldly.

"What are... your plans?" she asked.

"I have nothing," he answered. He would say something more, but that would just make him look pitiful. Even saying something along the lines of "don't worry about me, I will be fine" was even more of a cry for help. The best bet to retain what little dignity he had left was to keep his mouth shut. He considered calling his uncle, but they were unlikely to take him in. The surviving Ikaris and Rokubungis were still at each others' throats, and all signs the two black sheep of the clans joined in an unholy alliance were to be banished permanently.

"My apartment," Ibuki started. "It's small, just a one bedroom, but... if you need a place to stay-" She paused, Ikari cringing, taking a step away. "Shinji, please!" she whispered. "It's not a crime to ask to stay with me. You're just a kid! You still have school to worry about."

"I don't want to go back to school," Shinji answered curtly. "That just means more people..." he trailed off in a whisper, the hairs on his skin standing on end. Maya could not believe someone could be so shell-shocked into hating other people. She thought she knew better, that it was all a ploy. "Would you still take me in, if I want to throw my life away?"

He was shocked with the very quick, very positive answer. "Yes," she smiled, her eyes tearing up. "I don't want you to throw it all away, but if you need a place to stay, regardless..." She handed him a business card. Only someone like Ibuki would have a business card already prepared. "This is my new address and phone number," she explained. "It's... it's also a home office, so my employer wanted me to-"

Shinji just shook his head, taking the card as the doors hissed, closing The two stood in the passenger car, staring at each other. "You really are too strict," he sighed.

End of Chapter V

•••••••••••••

Comments/questions, please write a reply.

•••••••••••••


	6. Chapter VI: Touch and Sensation

I do not own the rights to Neon Genesis Evangelion, or any of the characters, equipment, or locations written in this fanfiction. The purpose of this fanfiction is merely for the non-profit enjoyment of other readers. If requested by Gainax, Hideki Anno, or other parties which represent aforementioned objects in this story, I will remove it promptly.

**Chapter VI:**

It would take at least 16 hours, even by high speed mag-lev train to reach Tokyo-2. While they had the passenger car to themselves by government decree, the tickets Ibuki and Ikari had restricted them to the same sleeping cabin. There was no sense in having the janitorial service and the stewardesses serve two separate cabins with only two passengers. As it was, the company was enduring a staggering loss in marginal revenue on this run, all to satisfy the wants of the darker side of the Japanese government.

Shinji didn't outwardly protest, but Maya noticed his actions stiffen, his body tense just enough to hint at the discomfort of the situation. "Shinji," she said. "If you really feel awkward about this, I can..." The brunette gestured with her head towards the adjacent cabin. "I can pay the difference, and claim that room, if you like."

The former Child shook his head. "I do not want to make things harder on you, Ms. Ibuki." His voice was quiet, but still rigid. The former lieutenant studied him carefully. "Why are you still looking at me?" he asked. Quickly the boy sat down on the small fold-down bench built into the wall of the cabin.

"Shinji, I..." she started, then turned away. Switching to her default persona when difficult social situations occurred, Maya turned to the instructions for the collapsable two-person bed built into the opposite wall of the bench, studying it dutifully. It was not long until her mind was absorbed in the absolute beauty of efficiency, this cabin's layout the perfect example of why engineers should have been given just a little more respect. "Release the latch, and ease the frame to its full length," she started to read aloud. "The bench can be folded into the recessed compartment of the opposing wall to give more room for luggage." She smiled faintly at Shinji, not knowing what else to talk about except the cabin's many features. "There's even a small sink with a separate spigot for hot coffee."

"That's... an interesting feature," Shinji answered cautiously. He started to look up, and couldn't help but keep his eyes on the woman as she beamed in absolute joy over the amazing detail of the specifications posted in the embossed metal plate along the doorjamb's adjacent wall. He finally had a chance to study her in detail. Ibuki looked completely different from her normal self. He had seen her at the laundromat and at a small get-together Misato had arranged to celebrate his recovery from the Eva. In both cases, ibuki had never dressed like this. In all of those instances, she was casual, wearing a simple t-shirt and khaki shorts.

This time was different. She looked far more mature in the matching dark grey suit and skirt, the light blue dress shirt and black tie amplifying her beauty. She could have worn a lower cut blouse, giving her the option of a conservative necklace, but no, it would not be the same. Then there was the silver wristwatch with it's thin, feminine metal band that clasped almost perfectly against her wrist. She did not wear earrings, and somehow Shinji could not picture her wearing any. She was elegant enough in this form to not require putting any holes in her head, the act always seeming to be an unnecessary, barbaric mutilation of one's body to the boy. Shinji could only see this as Ibuki, and any modification to her attire his imagination created only suited the woman less.

His eyes trailed down to her ankles and feet, though with some hesitation. He had to admit, the "changes" every person in class up to this point were already experiencing were urging him to look at Ibuki in a rather unsettling manner. His will, however, was not so strong, and his eyes, driven to examine her figure in its entirety simply reported back that it was indifferent.

Ibuki was a more conservatively dressed woman than any business professional or teacher at the various schools he attended, but that did not detract from her attractiveness. If anything, it made her personality stand out more, her military experience and pride in following her duty reflected in her attire. Finally the brunette noticed Ikari's attention, and broke her gaze at the detailed exploded view of the cabin's design in the small pamphlet included in a pocket built into the wall. She nervously smiled, as he broke his gaze, staring now at the bottom edge of the door.

"What is it?" Maya asked. Though she had a pretty good idea of what it was, she had not experienced it many times before, and could not necessarily believe Shinji thought of her in that way. She started to wonder if making the offer to stay at her apartment was such a good idea in the first place. Then again, she couldn't decline the offer now, not when she learned he had nowhere else to go, no family that would ever bother to take him in. She returned to the pamphlet, smiling nervously. "This is the most creative use of material science I've ever seen," she continued, smiling faintly. "Everything is welded aluminum to keep weight down, and plastic piping is used for all the plumbing. This passenger car is completely recyclable." She paused, looking over at Ikari again, noticing him still staring at the doorway. "Are you... still upset?"

"Upset?" he asked.

"About... our discussion earlier," Maya explained. Shinji shook his head, but she knew he was lying. "Shinji, I want you to know I left because of you. I activated the dummy plug on orders, but-" She stopped, thinking how best to explain it. "Shinji, have you ever done something you regretted, thinking you were forced to make it because there was no other choice? What if later you learned there were other ways to fix what went wrong, things you could have changed to avoid the problem entirely?"

He nodded. "Toji... I crushed his sister with the Eva," he mumbled, fists balling up again. "If I were just better piloting the Eva, if I had just _wanted_ to pilot it!"

Maya shook her head. "No, Shinji, there was nothing else you could have done." She took a hesitant step forward, her right hand extended as if to lightly touch his scalp, giving him a gentle, reassuring pat on the head. She stopped, however, thinking back to her recent trip to the pet store two weeks ago, hoping to fill the emptiness of her life with some kind of animal that required her guidance. That was how the children watching over the puppies in the display cage taunted the animals. She would not treat this boy, this individual who saved so many lives, including her own, like some kind of lower lifeform.

Ikari recoiled at the first touch, the woman's hand resting on his left shoulder. Ibuki withdrew her hand slightly, but forced herself to set it back down, her fingers starting to massage the outlines of the adjoining bones. Shinji let out a sharp, frigid sigh, but allowed her to continue. Somehow, it didn't feel the same as Misato tried to touch him to comfort him. Her physical expressions of concern were too rough, too violent and jarring to be considered compassionate or kind. This was _precisely_ what the boy had wanted from someone who truly cared about him.

"Why... are you doing this?" he asked.

"Shinji, is it _that_ hard to believe I worry about you?" Shinji started to nod, but before he could continue, Ibuki sat to his left, and slowly wrapping her arms around him, guided his head into her shoulder. "I didn't even want to know you at first, when I heard the commander sent for you to replace Rei," she started to whisper. "I didn't want to know any of the pilots. I had to keep my distance to perform my duty as a professional, and I couldn't do that while thinking of the pilots as real people with lives they were giving up for us."

Shinji wanted to ask why she changed her mind, but didn't feel confident enough to ask. Besides, it didn't matter. He learned anyway as the woman explained. "I just _had_ to know why someone like you would be willing to kill the Angels. It didn't make sense, especially... after Matsushiro." He cringed at the mention of the obliterated test site. "You know what I learned?"

Shinji shook his head.

Maya smiled. "I learned you really do care about others, sometimes too much. You worry about the rest of the world to the point of giving everything up to ensure others are happy." She smiled. "That's not always a bad thing, but Major Katsuragi is right. You do need to start thinking about yourself, at least a little."

The feeling of touch was soft and comforting at first, but as it continued, Shinji sensed something different about it. It was firmer, almost forceful. His skin itched at the sensations others would consider normal He tried to protest, but could not work up the courage to speak. Just breathing became difficult as the intensity grew. "Shinji?" the woman asked.

"I..." he started, then broke the woman's hold, standing, his back to the door, making sure she was constantly observed for any cues as to when she would strike. "NO!" he shouted. He started to grab frantically at the door handle, jerking the aluminum assembly, wondering why it wouldn't retract. As his own clumsiness from fear continued, it only heightened his dread. "DON'T TOUCH ME!"

"Shinji!" Maya gasped. She quickly stood, gripping the boy's arms, trying to pry his hands from the door handle. However, the former Third Child bit at her hands, drawing blood. Ibuki cringed in pain, her hands instantly recoiling. She took a few steps back, finding herself leaning against the window frame, the former Third Child staring back at her. "Shinji..?"

Ikari knelt to the ground, curling up into a ball, arms wrapped around his knees. "Don't touch me," he whimpered. "Don't comfort me! Leave me alone!"

"What is it?" Ibuki asked.

She tried to ask again, but the stewardess came bounding down the corridor of the passenger car. "What are you doing to him?" the raven-haired woman asked. She dropped to her knees, the sound of the pressed uniform fabric gritting against Shinji's mind. The Child cupped his ears with his hands, but this only resulted in the woman making further attempts to comfort him. "What is the problem?"

Ikari's brain could not process the sharp, offending sensations bleeding through his senses. The woman's soft hands scraping at his skin with her fingertips, her light caresses seeming to be intense, heavy pressure against his body. He felt confined, trapped in a woman's hold, unable to breathe. "LET GO OF ME!" he screamed, throwing his hands forward.

The stewardess recoiled, rising to stand next to Maya. "What happened?" she asked the former lieutenant.

"I don't know!" she answered, shaking her head. They only could look on as Ikari started to scratch at itches which seemed to spread over his arms and back. He slowly clambered to his feet, darting towards the nearest bathroom.

•••••••••••••

Three hours later, Shinji finally fought off the shame to approach the woman again. Ibuki looked up, hearing the aluminum door to the passenger cabin slide along its rails. There was a slight look of annoyance on her face, but her voice did not indicate anger. Yawning, Ibuki leaned back, falling into the firm mattress of the fully extended bed. The blend of cotton and synthetic fibers in the blanket absorbed her fall.

Shinji stuttered, until he finally managed to get out "Sorry."

Maya stretched, arching her back as she rolled onto her side. Her blazer hung in the small closet space next to the window, along the wall of the folded bench seat, as well as the tie. Watching the young woman stretch, her dress shirt's first two buttons left undone made the Child cringe. His instinct to look was once again returning. Even though Ibuki wore a men's white undershirt below the outer layer, Shinji's mind started to calculate the dimensions of the hidden features.

Ibuki was too tired to stand, and instead, patted the bed surface. Her eyes were closed, trying to avoid the glaring, harsh light of the fluorescent tubes above. She felt Ikari cautiously sit on the mattress, slumping forward, back hunched. "Talk to me," she whispered, ensuring her hands were clear of the Child. "What is it? Did I... touch you inappropriately?"

Instantly, Ikari protested. "NO!" Lowering his voice, he replied, "No, it's... it's nothing like _that_."

"Then, what is it like?" she asked. Ibuki opened her eyes now, watching as Shinji folded his arms, laying back into the bed. His back was turned to her, legs pulled close to his chest. "Shinji?"

"It hurts," he answered. "It... wasn't like this before... not this intense." He took a sharp breath, letting it out slowly to relax. "People touching me... it's always felt rough."

"They... hurt you?"

Shinji shook his head. "It's something I was diagnosed with two years ago. Do you know what Sensory Integration Dysfunction is?"

Maya's eyes dilated as her eyelids opened wide, then closed sadly, the woman nodding against the mattress. Her hands slowly crept over the boy's clothes, and gently held him, making sure to avoid any unnecessary pressure. "Yes," she said, remembering the physical therapy sessions during her junior year of high school. Her parents mocked her for wasting their money, complaining it was unnecessary compared to her academics. Yet they were not the ones who struggled with it. "I know what it is."

"Then you have your answer," Shinji breathed.

"No, I don't," Ibuki sighed softly. "It doesn't hurt that much." Shinji blinked, confused, until he processed the very light, gentle pressures the woman applied to his arms. They were deliberately soft, as though she knew what he felt. "That disorder doesn't make you hate physical contact that much, not at your age."

"You-?" he breathed, before the reverberations of Maya's nodding head travelled through the mattress to Shinji's skin, confirming his suspicions. "I... I hate when others try to calm me with touching. It's like they can't do anything, so they think just touching someone will make the problem go away."

"Sometimes, Shinji," the former lieutenant sighed, "it's all we can do."

End of Chapter VI

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Comments/questions, please write a reply.

•••••••••••••


	7. Chapter VII: The Designated Spot

I do not own the rights to Neon Genesis Evangelion, or any of the characters, equipment, or locations written in this fanfiction. The purpose of this fanfiction is merely for the non-profit enjoyment of other readers. If requested by Gainax, Hideki Anno, or other parties which represent aforementioned objects in this story, I will remove it promptly.

**Chapter VII:**

Ibuki slid her arms around Ikari's chest, receiving some stuttered protests. They had been there, unable to sleep for ten hours. Yet neither of them wanted to move from that spot. There was nothing to do on the train, and still several hours before their arrival."What do you want?" Maya asked. Shinji found it hard to think clearly, the physical sensations clouding his mind. His head slumped further into the mattress, mouth hanging open, taking it sharp breaths. Maya had kept her hands safely away from anything sensitive, but still, just feeling her arms around him was irritating his nerves. She detected the hint, and pulled her arms away. "It still hurts?"

"I... I just want someone who will be with me. I don't want to be touched. I don't want to be comforted. I just want someone to listen and stay."

Maya sighed, and rolled onto her other side. The two had their backs to each other now, but even so, they could each feel the other's presence. It was as delicate yet obvious presence as the blankets underneath them. "Okay," Maya replied, letting out a yawn. "Will you talk to me?"

"Can I trust you?"

Ibuki smiled sarcastically. "That is the question, isn't it?" Maya couldn't decide how to start, but she knew the answer would involve talking. It always seemed to fall back to talking with him. In a way, it was nice, knowing he wasn't some pervert. She could see the desire in his eyes, but it wasn't anything like Kaji, or the other men who tried to hit on her at work. There was a genuine interest in everything about her, which included her body as much as her mind. "I didn't think there was anything you hadn't learned about me already," she began. "But... there is something." Maya blushed, wondering just what she would say next.

Shinji just listened quietly, drifting off to sleep as the former lieutenant began her confession. Perhaps he would trust her after all. But that decision would have to be made later, after their arrival in the city.

•••••••••••••

Ritsuko tried to smile, but found it impossible. Both the Fourth and Fifth Child scowled back at her. Toji knew what this woman had done to Shinji, what he was forced to do because this "expert" was careless with his last assignment. Kensuke also felt disgusted, both from what he learned from Toji's experience, and from his own observations of the Children. If it weren't for their weaknesses, the Children would have, in their right mind, simply left NERV. There was no desire whatsoever to pilot. His dreams of glory were now being replaced with the fact any actions he would take for his own survival would be overridden for the best interests of this organization.

"I cannot accept your application if you cannot put in the same effort as a healthy pilot," Ritsuko began, addressing Suzahara.

The boy cursed under his breath, and turned away. "You have our physical fitness results," he snarled. "You even confirmed our fitness again at the training grounds here. How can you still criticize us?" Kensuke walked to his friend, and threw the doctor's office door open. "Besides, who do you _think_ made me this way?"

"Shinji, of course-" she began, before finding the Fourth Child leaping at her throat. "Wha?" Akagi squeaked, the hands clamping down on her larynx. Her breaths were short, body breaking out in sweat. "Stop!" she hissed.

"Am I still unfit for combat, Doctor?" Toji snarled, a smirk on his face. The woman glanced at Aida for assistance. However, the nerd simply folded his arms, watching from the doorway. His eyes showed his sense of pleasure, watching what both Children believed was a necessary revenge. "Well? ANSWER ME!"

The doctor shook her head.

Toji released the woman's throat quickly, shoving her back against her desk. "Just remember," he hissed. "YOU did this, not Shinji, not anyone else. Stop blaming him for your mistakes." Looking at his friend, Toji nodded towards the door. "Come on, let's get out of this place." Reaching towards the desk again, Ritsuko shrinking back, the jock snatched the two applications.

"Yeah," Aida replied, taking his application from his friend, tearing it neatly in two. "I don't know _what_ we were thinking."

It was only two minutes after their final encounter with Ritsuko Akagi that they found Asuka leaving the locker rooms. She didn't sense them at first, just continuing on her sluggish, wandering path towards the elevator. Both boys knew something was wrong with her, her head slumped down, eyes staring down at her feet. She did not bear that proud character she once used so often in class.

Hearing the footsteps, Soryu visibly shook, turning to stare at the two oncoming threats with wide eyes. Her fists clenching, a satchel in one hand, she sprinted towards the elevator. "Hey, Asuka, wait up!" Kensuke protested. It was too late, however. As artful as she was in combat, she seemed to be getting better, teh Children noticed, in running. "That's... not right," Aida sighed. "Maybe Hikari should talk to her."

"Maybe..." Toji breathed. "Maybe she should talk to _him_."

"Oh come on!" Kensuke laughed. "Would she do anything more than tease him, or pick on him? She's just feeling crappy because she doesn't have someone to bully. There's no one around she thinks is weaker than her to make up for her shortcomings."

The redhead, they were unaware, listened to the conversation from the blind spot of the cooridor junction. The elevator's lights and buzzer signaled its return to that level, but she was no longer motivated to use it. Pulling the satchel to her chest, she slumped to the floor, and cried.

•••••••••••••

The apartment was a Western design, but still made in the Post-Inpact style of concrete, recycled steel, and aging roofing materials. The loss of construction quality gave Tokyo-2 and the other First World nations a Cold War Eastern Bloc feel after the reconstruction efforts. There was beauty in this town, however, even with the lack of building aesthetics. He could see it from the fifth floor catwalk.

The endless summer kept the trees fully coated in leaves, the prematurely aged streets given a kind of beauty. The street lamps were crude in design, but efficient, their orange-glowing lights a different look than the cold shimmer of Tokyo-3's fluorescent lighting. Shinji stared out at the residential zone that formed nine square blocks, Ibuki's apartment almost within the center of that zone. He allowed a soft smile to pass through his grim features. This was a fresh start, in a place that was just as physically beautiful as the woman who accompanied him in the elevator.

His mind protested once again, trying to keep from seeing her in that way. Maya was a nice friend, and a more than fair guardian. However, thinking of her in any other way was out of the question, at least for now. Maybe, in time, when he was no longer dependent on her, it would be appropriate. But not like this. Not when he was her charge, and she felt it was necessary to help him.

The outer door to the apartment was painted black, a simple chromed knob and deadbolt latching it shut. With a quick twist of the key, first in the deadbolt, and then in the knob, Maya eased the door open, her left arm filled with a small stack of boxes. "Shinji, are you sure there is nothing else you need?"

Shinji shook his head. "I will be fine."

Ibuki sighed. "Trust me, Shinji. We can splurge a little if we want, at least to get you set up."

"That would be foolish, wouldn't it?" he asked. "I mean, when I have to go somewhere else, that's just more stuff I have to take with me."

The brunette sighed. "Haven't you ever had more than just enough to carry on your back before?"

"My cello qualifies, doesn't it?"

Ibuki beamed, a little too excessively. "I didn't know you played the cello." Immediately Maya was looking around the apartment. Shinji followed behind, confused, but otherwise his passive, quiet self. The apartment's interior was a little out of style with the modern trends. The sourdough paint, maroon window curtains, teak stained woodwork, and mottled maroon carpet was not considered attractive to most of the tenants. Only the few Westerners who stayed over appreciated the mix between comfortable home and clean office. However, the gentle feel of the apartment made both former employees of NERV feel at ease. In a moment of touring the living room, Ibuki found what she was looking for.

Looking out framed, double pane windows of the living room, Maya brushed the curtains aside, and lifted the sliding portions open. This was where one would normally expect the balcony to a standard apart to be, but building codes in Tokyo-2 during the reconstruction prohibited them. Only in Tokyo-3, with the resources and new materials to make the buildings safe, did the government allow balconies. However, the management firm which leased the apartments had found the perfect location and layout to improvise for the lack of an essential apartment structure.

The sweet summer air filled with the fragrance of heat, blooming plants, and the not too unpleasant city scents wafted into the apartment with the cool breeze. "This is perfect," she smiled.

"Perfect?" Shinji asked.

Maya looked around the apartment, and pulled out a simple wooden kitchen chair. "Have a seat, and tell me what you think." Shinji retracted for a moment, but then proceeded, still confused. Walking up to the chair, he sat down briskly, looking around from side to side, trying to study all the details at once. "No," Maya sighed, gently setting her hands on the sides of Shinji's head. Immediately the boy froze, his body tensing with fear. "Shinji..." the woman breathed. "I'm not going to hurt you. You trust me, right?"

Shinji hesitated, giving her the answer she didn't want to hear. Though it didn't bother her too much. "Just... give me some time, okay?" she whispered. The Child nodded, and blushed. Maya's hands were still on his cheeks, ever so softly caressing them. "Close your eyes for a minute, and just breathe deeply."

Shinji complied, still unsure. However, the slow, deep breaths of the summer air, and the small portion of warm sunlight that passed through the window started to ease his stress. That slight smile crossed his face again, immediately causing the former lieutenant to smile even wider. "What do you think?"

"About?" Shinji asked.

"Open your eyes." Shinji again complied, and looked down over the neighborhood streets. "Isn't this the perfect place for your cello practice?" The Child thought about it for a moment, and nodded in agreement. "Excellent," the woman exclaimed. Ikari didn't know what to say. His eyes were still fixed on the view out the windows. "First rule of the apartment," Ibuki sounded in a serious note. "This is your space for free time. Use this for those times when you need to relax."

"Can I study here?" Shinji asked, just as serious as the former lieutenant.

Maya shook her head. "Shinji, you have the entire apartment to study in. Well, except _my_ room, you can't study there." Both roommates blushed at that. "But this place is meant for you to express yourself. It's meant to be a sanctuary from the requirements of life. Play the cello as loud as you want, draw if you want, whatever, so long as you only enjoy yourself at this spot."

"Am I... required to enjoy myself?"

Ibuki raised an eyebrow. "You're not _required_, Shinji," she started. "But I'd like to think you'd _want_ to."

"Okay," Shinji breathed, letting his smile hold on his face. "I'll try."

End of Chapter VII

•••••••••••••

Comments/questions, please write a reply.

•••••••••••••


	8. Chapter VIII: Losses

I do not own the rights to Neon Genesis Evangelion, or any of the characters, equipment, or locations written in this fanfiction. The purpose of this fanfiction is merely for the non-profit enjoyment of other readers. If requested by Gainax, Hideki Anno, or other parties which represent aforementioned objects in this story, I will remove it promptly.

**Chapter VIII:**

The blinding light had dissipated, and as Unit-02 rocked back, its feet unsteady, the pilot shivered. She was exhausted. It had started nearly two hours ago, and only in the last few moments did the commander _allow_ Wondergirl to save her. Without that _other_ _pilot_ there to help, the command staff were always on edge whenever one of them got into a bind. That hesitation is what led to two hours of agony as every fiber of her being was violated through the enemy's AT-Field.

As her eyelids slowly closed, her shivering body hunched forward, she tried her best to preserve her own personality. The battle was difficult, however, as the memories dredged up from the abandoned archives of her mind mingled together in ways she could not comprehend, nor desire. Her thought processes felt different, somehow stronger than before. She knew there was something lacking, but could not place what she had lost in the attack.

When the neural connection from the Eva was severed, Asuka Langely Soryu had a flash, a brief, hazy image of a concept. The burden which always gnawed at the back of her mind was gone now, feeling as though a weight of bricks had been removed. There was no longer any theory of mind, any grasp of how her actions would be perceived by others. But it was more than that, the others would discover in time. Understanding, and the motivation to not be misunderstood are considered a valued trait amongst man. So, she asked herself, what would someone without those qualities be considered?

It was conscience, she realized. That was what she had lost.

•••••••••••••

Misato shook her head as she stared into the monitor of Section Two's security station. The black and white screen displayed the figure of the Second Child, wrapped up in an emergency blanket, shivering on the rooftop of a skysscraper. The Eva had long since been retrieved, and placed in the strictest of quarantine far from the cages, far from the other Units. As for the girl, she just sat there, and was expected to sit there for another twelve hours before processing began.

"And then there was one," the doctor sighed, ambling up to a chair beside her friend.

"Don't you DARE think you can sit next to me, _Doctor!_" the major barked, sending the two cups of coffee in the blonde's hands to shatter on the floor. "Just leave your report, and get the _hell_ out of here!" Ritsuko froze, unable to move. "Didn't you hear me?" Misato hissed, rising to her feet, her right hand creeping into the left half of her jacket. Akagi heard a soft click as the Jericho pistol was switched off safe. "I'm giving you five seconds, Ritsuko... just five."

"But Misato, I have my orders-"

Misato retrieved the pistol from the shoulder holster, pointing it squarely at the woman's face, her arms taking the isosceles stance. "Five... four," she started. Before she could continue, a white blur of a labcoat flew to the door of the mobile command center, leaping from the trailer, and sprinting down the street. Misato replaced the weapon slowly, glanced back at the screen and curled into a fetal position in her chair.

•••••••••••••

Hikari was relieved, seeing Toji hand her the dismissal letter from NERV, sent a week after their initial testing phase. She couldn't help but let a smile pass between them in the classroom during lunch. "To the successful failure!" Kensuke cheered, holding up an opened can of soda. Suzahara grinned, trying to keep from bursting out in laughter. "What's so funny?" the nerd asked.

"Just Class Rep here," the jock chuckled. "She's rewarding us with a lunch for failing the qualification exams!"

Horaki shook her head, glancing down at the desk for a moment from the mental exhaustion. The humor of these two was sometimes too much for her to stand. She had to agree once Kensuke nodded excitedly. "Yeah, Class Rep," Aida cheered. Instantly the boy was on his knees, bowing to the girl as if worshipping a pagan deity. "Oh thank you, Great One, for rewarding us for our failures!"

"Damnnit, Ken, will you quit it?" she sighed. No matter how she tried, though, Toji still managed to get past her tilted head, and detected the smirk. Immediately, he followed the nerd's actions. "Toji!"

"We are not worthy, oh wise and understanding one!" Suzahara beamed, arms outstretched in prayer to the Horaki goddess.

"What are the stooges doing today?" a voice with a European accent signaled from two desks away. Everyone froze, noticing the redhead pilot scowling. Hikari had not been at the NERV hospital to see how things had degenerated, but she could tell something was wrong with Soryu. Her body seemed thinner than normal, her facial features gaunt, and skin turning slightly pale.

She hadn't been in class for three weeks, and there were... rumors about the latest attack. Something had gone wrong, a few girls had said. One boy had said he had seen the girl's dead body hauled away in a body bag, while a few others in the adjacent class made claims she had gone insane, and was institutionalized. Oddly enough, Toji was the first person to stand up for the Red Devil. "If I hear any more," he threatened boisterously in the middle of a class lecture, "I'll beat the tar out of every last one of you!"

Toji froze at the girl's stare, not knowing what to say, before Aida interrupted. "We are celebrating our absolute failure to meet the high standards of NERV for piloting the Eva!" he cheered. Asuka's eyebrows twitched momentarily, before her scowl returned. 'Something is wrong,' the boy thought, giving the girl a once over. Kensuke knew he had to add a few extra words, just to help butter up the Second Child. "Clearly, neither of us can meet your high standards."

Hikari shuddered, just watching Asuka slump back into her desk, shaking her head. She held a folded letter in her hand, the edges crumpled, and the NERV letterhead clearly printed in bold red ink in the center of the page. "I thought it meant something," the pilot started, "but it doesn't." Aida glared at her for a moment, then noticed the letter. It didn't take long for either Horaki or Suzahara to notice the letter, either, especially as the girl crushed the offending text into a small projectile, throwing it with pristine accuracy into the nearby garbage can.

It was Hikari who first noticed Asuka's hands, her knuckles bruised, the first layer or two of skin torn, blistered, and red. "A-Asuka?" the class representative asked, walking up to her friend. "Is... everything okay?"

"No," the Child muttered, trying to stifle her choked voice, "not at all." She looked up at Hikari, her eyes lifeless, no reflection in them. "Can I talk to the stooge over there?" The two boys glanced at each other, each pointing at their neighbor. "The big, loud, dumb one," she added, causing Toji to snarl.

"Okay, fine, talk," Toji started, before he watched Asuka signal him to walk outside of the class. Hikari looked up to him with pleading eyes, as the boy nodded. The limp was almost gone, the class representative observed, noticing the former Child acclimating to the prosthetic. He was already back to playing basketball, regularly defeating classmates with more intensity than he had before. She smiled faintly as he left, closing the classroom door behind him. If anyone could help Asuka out of her slump, he could. If not him, then his sister, who seemed more of an example to her brother as they both made their respective recoveries.

Soryu walked into a dark corner of the hallway, beside the mechanical room entrance. "You... heard what happened, right?" she asked meekly. This was a compete departure from the normally abrasive exchange student, making the jock wonder how he should best approach the situation. Subtlety didn't seem to be either of their strong suits, but he had to make the attempt now.

"No, I didn't hear a thing," he lied. Instantly, he felt a hand grip his throat, pinning him against the wall, while another traveled lower, down his chest, along his abdomen, and further. Suzahara's mind raced. Was this girl actually trying to molest him? "H-hey!" he screeched, his voice cracking as he expended the last of his air. "W-what the hell?" He knocked the girl's hand away from his waist, pinning it back, while he struggled to fight against the hand slowly strangling him.

"Don't fight me, stooge!" she hissed, throttling his neck further, shoving him hard against the wall. Her other hand, however, was held back, as though she deemed it was now dirty, impossible to wash clean.

"I-I heard rumors, nothing more!" he coughed. Soryu started to let up on her grip, noticing the blue complexion. Toji started to slide to the floor, sitting up, leaning against the metal fire door of the mechanical room. All the strength he had worked to achieve, and it had been taken out of him, all because this girl had cut off his air supply. He had to remind himself he was running on only one good leg now, the only thing which gave him his old strength was his improved aerobic fitness. "But I told the idiots to shove it. It's not their place to make up such crap."

Soryu gave no physical reaction to indicate her surprise, at least, nothing Toji could see. "W... why did you do that?" the girl's voice was forced into a hushed whisper, but still sharp, harsh, and unforgiving. She stood over the boy, hands clenched, but Toji didn't see them. He had already learned from the Over the Rainbow, keeping his eyes glued to the interesting floor tiles, as the girl's school uniform ended a good four or five centimeters above his eye level. "Answer me!" she hissed in her whispered voice, her dirty hand reaching out, striking the boy across the face.

"Because you're a pilot, like I was, like Shinji was," he explained. "Before I was selected, I had no idea what it was like. Afterwards, I realized that before I ended up like _this_, I had no right to talk." He paused. "Even when Ken and I were in Unit-01, and we saw Shinji fight that second Angel, I didn't know what it was like, from the pilot's perspective. There are just so many possibilities, and no right answers."

He didn't know what he said, but it only aggravated the girl even more. Another fierce slap to the face, and then suddenly, without warning, she was sitting in his lap. Her hands were tearing into the waistband of his tracksuit, causing the boy to raise his arms, struggling to fight back. He struck the girl harshly across the face, but this only drove her on, her fingers working with a ferocity at the prosthetic attachment to his thigh. Without a word exchanged between them, only muffled grunts and hissed, unintelligible noises, Asuka disabled her adversary, tossing the plastic moulded object across the hallway, letting the tan-painted implement scuff on the polished flooring as it rebounded twice, coming to rest a good six meters away.

"Y-you bi-!" he cursed, his hands suddenly up at her face, trying to go for her eyes.

Asuka swiftly pinned the boy by the throat again, her right arm locking him in a choke hold, while her tainted hand once again made its journey into darkness.

As Hikari Horaki peered into the dark edges of the hallway, watching her former friend, she could only tip-toe to the discarded limb, taking it in her arms, and run as fast as she could conceive to the office two floors below. There was something sacred about the prosthetic she held. It was the only part of Toji that would be unscathed from the incident, and the only part she could touch for a long time without thinking about what had happened that day in the corridor. She did not know what she could say, or if she could even speak at what was being committed. All she could do was run, leaving Kensuke behind.

For a moment, Toji made eye contact with his friend, and that was all that was required. Toji couldn't see much else, but he felt the wind of a large object moving swiftly above, then the sharp strike of steel on the girl's shoulders, and the offending figure falling to her side, still cursing, but not moving. Aida threw the combined metal desk and chair aside, picking up his friend, throwing a limp arm over his shoulder, and helping the boy to a run. "I think..." Aida huffed, "the rumors were true."

Toji said nothing, and concentrated only on hobbling along with his friend, pulling his trousers back up to his waist.

•••••••••••••

It was during cello practice when the phone rang. Maya had just returned from work, while Shinji had spent the last hour in his sanctuary, the landscape before him inspiring him to practice for the first time by his own accord before he began homework. It was a new, unusual sensation, he thought, practicing for his own sake, and no one else's. Well, he considered, that wasn't entirely true. Ibuki smiled, watching the Child work the strings with his left hand, the bow with his right, his vision focused only on the horizon. It was something pleasant, she considered, watching him like this. For the first time, Shinji Ikari looked natural, his body relaxed, the dark circles gone from his eyes, and the nightmares finally over.

The first week was terror, quite literally, for Shinji. The unfamiliar ceiling of the apartment, the unaccustomed noises at night of this strange, different city, and the thought of complete isolation from those he was trying to protect led to night terrors. Ibuki could only stand to think about them a few times a week, if she had to relate them to the psychiatrist she had begged Ikari to visit regularly. If, for nothing else, she hoped the regular talks would put whatever pieces NERV shattered back together.

However, as the first week passed, the new situation sinking in, the burden eased from their shoulders. A small group of friends emerged both at work and at school, respectively. There was still the unsettling question about Shinji and Maya's relationship, but neither thought of it too much. There was no relationship as far as they were concerned. They were simply friends, and chose to remain that way for the time being. The brunette still received odd comments from her coworkers, at least the pair of women she ran into most often, about how the two of them seemed to fit together perfectly. Of course, she realized, they didn't know Shinji's age. They just knew he went to school, but didn't realize it was still secondary school, not the university.

The neighbors had two small children, a boy and a girl a couple years apart, attending the local primary school together. The two kids were audible again this very moment, applauding the latest performance of the secluded Child with his cello. No one within the apartment knew who the new neighbors were, but all of them turned off their televisions, their radios, even their computers to listen to the daily performance, which began, like clockwork, at four in the afternoon.

This was the first day the concert was interrupted.

Shinji heard the heavy tread of Maya's dragging feet, and looked over his shoulder to her direction. The burden was back, somehow restored as though they had never left that awful organization. The former lieutenant was clutching the phone in her hands, the plastic casing creaking. "Shinji," she breathed. "Something's... happened to Asuka."

The cello was not touched until two hours later. The children next door, the parents, and the other occupants of the fifth floor all dropped what they were doing, and opened their windows to catch the sounds which echoed out of the open living room windows of the solitary occupants. The song was different this time, each one realized. This was not a previous work, they observed, but a new, impromptu piece put together on the spot. As each one started to smile at the talents of their anonymous companion, they could not help but feel repulsed just seconds into the piece. It was not a beautiful, cheerful work. Rather, it was a mourning bellow of notes, a cry of weakly pressed strings and the muffled sobs of the artist.

Both the instrument and human's tones rained down on the city below as the sun set behind the horizon.

End of Chapter VIII

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Comments/questions, please leave a review.

•••••••••••••


	9. Chapter IX: Retreat and Advance

I do not own the rights to Neon Genesis Evangelion, or any of the characters, equipment, or locations written in this fanfiction. The purpose of this fanfiction is merely for the non-profit enjoyment of other readers. If requested by Gainax, Hideki Anno, or other parties which represent aforementioned objects in this story, I will remove it promptly.

**Chapter VIII:**

Shinji trembled, spilling the hot tea all over his school uniform. The late night snack did not, as both Ikari and Ibuki discovered, settle their stomachs. Maya simply held her head in her hands, her hair clawed between her fingers as she huddled into the kitchen countertop. Shinji was already wretching in the bathroom, the tea at least easing the process. It was just past eleven o'clock at night, both of the roommates needing sleep for the final day of the work week. However, sleep was not coming.

The toilet flushed, and a few rinses of the sink later, Shinji emerged somewhat pale and unsteady. Ibuki looked up through bloodshot eyes, and walked, taking very light, easy steps to her companion. He was still hesitant, she noticed, trying to shy away from contact. It amused the woman how she was the one who always had to initiate. She, the more shy, introverted of the two, was the one who had to take the first steps. No, she considered. She was the least battered and worn of the pair. Shinji was shy for more than the simple anxiety experienced by the usual Aspie. His lack of contact came from the disorder and the countless thrashings he took once physical contact was made. Even Pavlov's dog would not need half of the sorties or social disasters Ikari had experienced to dread another individual.

Maya slowly traced her hands up Shinji's back, stroking his shoulder blades. Those were the least sensitive spots which he didn't mind contact. His head and hands, she had learned, were simply off-limits, until she truly earned his trust. "Come on," she whispered softly. "You need to sleep."

Ikari shook his head. "Can't," he muttered, resting his chin into her shoulder. The pain in Maya's neckline eased as the boy took a deep breath, straightening his back. That was the only thing he could say without breaking down into tears again. Maya didn't want to hear him cry again, he realized. When she saw him cry, she immediately started crying, as though their lack of subtle expression made each other more vulnerable. Or, she realized, it could have been the meltdowns. Both had reached their limits to what they could handle from NERV a _long_ time ago.

He felt guilty about making her upset, and chose simply to stop talking.

Unfortunately, Maya also could find nothing to say without her lips quivering. The words "share", "bed", and "sleep" were the only intelligible things he could hear the woman say. The discomfort he felt at the situation simply escalated. Surely, he realized, Maya Ibuki was not the type to engage in desperate acts of intimacy. She was no Misato, that was for certain. However, the simple fact he was sitting numbly on her bed, waiting for the woman to change into comfortable pajamas did not settle the matter. He could not read her, no matter how they learned each other's ticks or stims.

A systematic approach to a physical syntax does not always make clear intentions, even amongst those of the gifted intellects.

The oversized white t-shirt was warm and comfortable on his tone frame. The khaki shorts kept a comfortable level of distance between him and his roommate. Maya, apparently had the same idea, arriving in a casual yellow t-shirt, gray shorts, and low-cut socks. She hated feeling the cold air and bedsheets on her feet.

Again, there were no words between them as Maya sat beside Shinji, and slowly fell to her side. The twin-size bed was just barely large enough to hold two thin people. It was still manageable, however, for both of them to have some personal space. Shinji simply sat, staring mindlessly out the partially closed window curtains, the air passing through the opened glass. The only signal sent between them was Maya's hand brushing gently over Shinji's t-shirt, her fingertips caressing his side. He moved with uncomfortable jerks, lying parallel to Maya's fetal position as he stared at the bedstand's lamp.

"Shinji?" she asked.

Shinji rolled slowly onto his right side, facing the woman. His eyes avoided contact with her face, instead focused on the closed bedroom door, and the warm, beige blanket being wrapped around the both of them. "Please... leave the light on..." he pleaded. Maya simply stared back at him until he met her eyes. It was the first time Maya remembered being able of reading the emotion in someone's eyes, and only because it was so overt an expression. _"Please,"_ he whispered.

Ibuki nodded sadly, her arms hesitantly testing every movement as she held the boy by his waist. There was still anxiety with being this close, but it was not as intense as before. She noticed the fear faded the closer they were to each other. The pleading look in Ikari's eyes started to fade as exhaustion overtook him. The warmth and closeness of her body wrapped in the blankets urged him forward.

"Okay," Maya answered, closing her eyes.

•••••••••••••

Rei jolted from her bed, still wearing her school uniform. The unusual sensations would not leave, she realized. There was no way to stop these detestable emotions. At least that's what she thought they were. Hadn't that been what many of her colleagues referred to them as? If a sensation which interfered with her ability to function rationally wasn't an emotion, nothing was.

She tried several techniques to relieve the stress, all of which proved futile. The last, and most obscure, she noted, was this meditation she heard so many of her classmates discuss. The idea of keeping the mind quiet, relaxing in a comfortable position, and refraining from thought was the most contradictory method for problem resolution. How could a solution arrive if the brain was denied the chance to think? This reminded her of the unusual advice Asuka gave her for difficult decisions: to "sleep on it."

There was that annoying thought again, the First Child mentally cursed. She detested the fate which first removed Ikari from her daily encounters, and now claimed the Second Child as well. The blue-haired girl knew her destiny, of course. She had a great role to fulfill, and it involved sacrifice. More than that limited information was classified, but she understood the magnitude of the sacrifice necessary. However, she never thought until recently that she could not face the conclusion alone.

Life, she considered as her body rocked back and forth in a useless attempt at comfort, was an ironic tragedy. Only now, when she discovered how much she wanted others around her when the final time came, was she denied their comfort. Unlike her prior attempts to remain distant and be denied that request, she was in the reverse situation. She demanded the company of her friends, yet they were all gone.

Sitting up, wiping the tears from her eyes, Rei looked out the bedroom window of her apartment. This was the fifth time in an hour she considered the outdoors. The weather had turned miserable, temperatures dropping to ten degrees Centigrade, with gale force winds, and heavy showers projected for the next forty-eight hours. She detested the weather. It always interfered with her existence, and was never ideal when she desired it to be. Yet, she thought again for the fifth time in that hour, she would be willing to endure it for the forty-three minute walk to the major's apartment.

Of course, no action had resulted the four times previously she had willed herself to do so.

In the back of her mind, Ayanami could have sworn she heard a mocking laugh. That was right, she considered. If the redhead were here, that is exactly what she would have done. 'She would be mocking the indecisive "doll"', the albino told herself. 'She would be mocking me for refusing to make a decision, and she would be right.'

Locking the door behind her, with no protection from the elements beyond her uniform, Rei Ayanami set out on her quest into the darkness.

•••••••••••••

Misato Katsuragi stopped crying nearly an hour before, but refused to move from the kitchen table. Pen Pen had long since fell asleep at her feet when a knock sounded at the door. That was the unusual part about the visitor. She never used the doorbell, but chose to rap her knuckles on the hard metal surface as though she needed to confirm her body was physically there. Perhaps she was trying to experiment with the various surfaces she encountered each day. That, or as Makoto suggested, "that girl is just weird..."

The major gazed through puffy red eyes at the similarly red eyes of Rei Ayanami. The girl's hair was disheveled, as though she had just awoke from a deep sleep. Her school uniform, rumpled from thrashing in her sleep and damp from a second session of rain, did not suit her for this particular visit. "Major..." she started.

"R-Rei?" Katsuragi asked. Misato wiped at her eyes frantically, trying to straighten her face into a smile. "You can call me Misato, okay? We're not on duty." Then the lavender-haired woman noticed the girl's wrinkles that creased her forehead. "Is something wrong?"

Ayanami, always straight to the point, now hesitated. "I am... having difficulty."

"With?" Misato coaxed.

Ayanami's hands started twitching, her left clasping over her right to steady herself. "It is... difficult to describe, this emotion," she began. "Since Pilot Ikari's departure... it seems myself and several others have not been able to function properly." Misato stared in confusion, the words slowly sinking in. Perhaps it was the tears that started to pass through the First Child's defenses, grazing her pale skin. "I... I-I find it hard to do... the most simple tasks..." Ayanami bit her lip, the tears surprising her as if a wholly new, confusing sensation. "I... don't understand-"

Misato, at that point, did what she did best. The albino was quickly wrapped in the woman's arms, pulled close into a tight hug. The pilot's defensive training tried to kick in, but was blocked out as the previous emotions overrode her analytically-trained reflexes. This primitive side of her brain, the blue-haired girl realized, was something she detested more than anything in this world. Refusing to eat meat, trying to efficiently analyze her environment, and restricting her interactions with others did not defend against this portion she tried to keep locked away.

For the longest time, Rei did not speak. However, it was a silence all the more human and comforting than her alien behaviors from before.

•••••••••••••

Hikari was tired. She wasn't necessarily tired of being with Toji and Kensuke, nor of their late night study sessions. Rather, she was tired of each of their study sessions turning into a memorial for another friend.

They had held the first one when Toji ended up in the hospital, each swearing to the other they would never give up. Just as Suzahara regained his strength, however, Shinji disappeared. Their second meeting took place during a break between Toji's physical therapy. Then there was Shinji's return, only to disappear again, leaving his friends behind indefinitely.

Now it was Asuka's turn, and each of the trio had a sneaking suspicion she would not be making a comeback.

They sat together in a small corner of the physical therapy building of the public hospital, neither of them saying a word. Toji finally broke the silence. "My father is thinking of moving to Tokyo-2." Hikari and Kensuke both looked up in surprise, only to see the jock glaring towards the track he had limped, trotted, then ran as he struggled back from near death. "I didn't get this far just to watch every last one of my friends die, but I'm not going to watch these maniacs just toss everyone I care about at the enemy like cannon fodder."

"But, they still have a pilot, don't they?" Hikari gasped. "I mean, they have to have more, right-"

"More kids, like US?" Toji snapped. Horaki shrunk back. In all of their time together from elementary school on, Suzahara had never lashed out at her like that. The shock was little, though, compared to the words that bit through her like fangs. "You really want Rei to keep fighting for our sake? One girl, one of our friends... all to keep us alive?"

Suzahara, however, regretted his words, as Horaki's eyes teared up. Somehow, he could not apologize, no matter how much he wanted to. It wasn't because he told the truth, or because Hikari was weak. No, he couldn't apologize because deep down, he knew the pilots deserved better. He knew from first hand experience they deserved a lot better.

Aida rose to his feet, and started to walk away. Toji, pulling Hikari into a hug, was the only one who looked up as the nerd left. As if he could feel the question from his friend's stare, Aida pushed his glasses back up the bridge of his nose, but made no eye contact. His back turned to them, he simply stated, "I'm fighting for myself, now. I can't afford to turn away."

"Ken!" Toji yelped.

Aida snarled. "Those monsters got it coming..."

•••••••••••••

The insistent ringing of the door chime startled Misato awake. She turned to Rei, noticing the girl wide awake, her eyes focused like an animal on the door. Katsuragi took a deep breath, and considered who else would be bothering her this late at night. Three o'clock in the morning, the major realized, and she had another visitor. Looking back at Ayanami, the girl still clinging to the pillow from the living room sofa, Misato sighed, bracing herself as she answered the door.

The metal hatch pulled away, Kensuke Aida standing, soaking wet, his eyes seemingly on fire. "I want in!" he demanded.

"K-Kensuke?" Misato squeaked. "W-what are you?"

"I want in!"

"O-Of course!" Misato gestured towards the living room. "You're welcome any time, Aida. What brings you-"

Kensuke was glad to know Toji did not know him from elementary school, and the more turbulent times of his youth. There were aspects of him neither Suzahara nor Hikari should ever have seen. His mother was also fortunate not to have seen him after her death, and the way his thoughts twisted. Those who knew him from before, those who tried to help him sort through his hatred of what happened, they all distanced themselves. Even after he managed to find a way to simply slack through the stress, the demons within him still clawed at the back of his mind.

As the nerd glanced up, his face twisted into a feral snarl. "You don't freakin' get it, do you?" he spat. He considered taking a few deep breaths, as the therapist had suggested after that fight in fourth grade. However, he had burned through all of his adrenaline long before on the flat-out run to the apartment. the hate was still there, eating at him from the inside out.

In such a situation, Kensuke Aida knew the one and only cure to pain. He was never one for conflict resolution. Aida was a problem eliminator.

"The Eva... You have a volunteer." Kensuke clenched his teeth in pleasure, just imagining the howling screams of his enemies. Perhaps they would sound like that boy in fourth grade, who told him his mother didn't love him anymore. Misato stood frozen, forcing the boy to lash out again. "What are you waiting for?" he snapped. "Do it, now!"

Major Katsuragi took a step back, allowing Rei to see the death glare in the boy's eyes. The hidden emotions she contained for so long had already weakened, and another sensation passed through her mind. This, she realized, was fear. Fear for an Angel, she could grasp, but fear for another human, that was not part of the plan.

Not at all...

End of Chapter IX

•••••••••••••

Comments/questions, please leave a review.

•••••••••••••


	10. Chapter X: Leave

I do not own the rights to Neon Genesis Evangelion, or any of the characters, equipment, or locations written in this fanfiction. The purpose of this fanfiction is merely for the non-profit enjoyment of other readers. If requested by Gainax, Hideki Anno, or other parties which represent aforementioned objects in this story, I will remove it promptly.

**Chapter X:**

Ritsuko glared at the pilot on her terminal display in the pribnow box of the test chamber. It was almost like having Shinji back... almost. The boy even chanted a mantra, just like the former Third Child. However, this mantra was different than "target in the center, pull the switch." No, it was far different.

"Empty, reload, kill!" he stated coldly. "Empty, reload, kill!" Akagi watched the screen, her eyes glued to the simulated barrel temperature of the standard palette rifle. Again and again, the copy of the Third Angel appeared, only to be shredded by the incessant volleys of rapid fire. The woman scowled, noting the boy's reliance on emptying an entire magazine into the target.

"Kensuke, ease up!" Misato barked, voicing the complaint she saw growing in her blonde friend's dull eyes. "You're going to melt the barrel!" She had never thought when the boy volunteered, that he wanted to start immediately. As it was, no one was sleeping too soundly, and finding Ritsuko still in her office just gave the Fifth Child an excuse.

Another enemy was ripped apart by the fire when the buzzer sounded from the terminal, a red icon flashing in synch to the irritating noise. "Damnnit, Ken!" Katsuragi yelled. "You've melted the barrel!" Turning to Akagi, she watched the doctor nod, her eyes rolling. "We're taking a break. I want to talk to you, immediately."

The disgruntled nerd glared at the woman as they stood on the catwalk next to the simulator, his damp glasses dangling from the collar of his black plugsuit."I don't care!" Aida snapped. "Just give me something to shoot!"

"You can't keep doing this," Misato sighed. "If you go out there like this, you'll break all your weaponry before you even make a scratch. The Angels we're facing now are far more versatile. They won't just let you shoot them." She took in a deep breath, closing her eyes. "You have to remember: short, _controlled_ bursts!"

"I want something that will do more damage," he grumbled.

The major folded his arms. "No... Not until you master the palette rifle. That's how Shinji did it, that's how Asuka did it-"

"I hate to break it to you, _Major_," Kensuke shouted, "but you ran off all your other perfect candidates." He would have continued, but the stealth arm of the major reached out, delivering a firm strike across the face. The boy's head jerked back, his mind stunned.

The lavender haired woman's lips curled into a savage snarl. "You want to help? Is that why you came to me? Is that why we've been here for the last few god-awful hours of the night?" Misato turned her back to the Child, and grumbled. "If you want to help, you do it by the book. You can play movie-soldier with your toys at home. In the real world, we don't run around spraying lead all over the place for fun and games."

"I want them all dead," he muttered under his breath, just loud enough he would know Misato could hear.

"They're more likely to die if you take your time, sight the target's core, and focus on surviving rather than going down in a blaze of glory."

Aida grinned, and glared at the woman. "Maybe dying like that would be better than watching you kill everyone I care about-"

The hand reached out again, and again. Misato struck the boy continuously, finally having to be pried away by Ritsuko. "Misato!" she screamed. "We need our pilots _alive!"_ Grabbing at the major's flight jacket, Akagi directed her towards the hatch at the end of the catwalk. "Pilot, take a break," she continued. "That's an order."

Aida clenched his fists, shutting his eyes tightly. The rage was building in him. He could feel it taking over, just like the last time, when that bully found himself in the ambulance, the paramedics holding him down while they applied the morphine. Kensuke glared back up to the gaping open hatch of Unit-01's entry plug, and screamed.

•••••••••••••

"Hey, isn't that him?" a schoolgirl of Tokyo-2's Municipal Junior High asked her friend.

"Yeah," she replied. "He comes from _that_ city."

"Just another dirty refugee," one of the boys walking past commented. "They say he was thrown out, marked by the government or something."

Shinji stumbling lifelessly into the classroom at Tokyo-2's junior high had caught the attention of a few people. The first who wanted to do something about it was a raven-haired girl named Yuki Watanabe , who took it upon herself to declare Shinji as her friend just a couple weeks before. She did not understand when they first met why he had retracted from her warm, Westerner handshake in English class, or why he looked haunted by her presence. These reactions of his, she had noticed, died slowly after a week. Still, she could not help but notice how he occasionally stared off into space, as though nothing in the world could reach him.

The one thing she did learn, however, was that the maroon knee length skirt, white sailor blouse, and matching maroon ribbon around the collar somehow upset the transfer student. When she asked, all he said was that red reminded him of someone.

The girl strolled up to Ikari's desk slowly. "Shinji-kun?" she asked quietly. The response was something the girl could never forget. The brown-haired boy simply stared at her, his blue eyes seeming to ask the question, "why"? "S-Shinji-kun?" the girl asked again.

Seeming to know her question before she even asked it, Ikari stared out the window to his left, beside the desk he had deliberately chosen. "Someone I knew was hospitalized yesterday," he explained.

The way Shinji was acting, it didn't take too much of a leap for her to realize it was a girl. "Is she okay?" Watanabe asked.

"No... no, she's not..." Shinji replied flatly.

"What happened?"

"It's compartmented," the Third Child explained.

"Compartmented?" Yuki squeaked. "What the hell does that mean?"

"It means classified, top secret, the wrong people die if they know, that's what it means!" Ikari snapped. Yuki shrank back visibly. Shinji had never yelled at anyone before, especially her. It took several seconds, almost an eternity in her perspective, but the boy seemed to regain his composure. "I'm... sorry. She's military, and they don't let anyone know who doesn't have to... not even...." Shinji stopped himself before he gave any more away. He had sworn on both paper and in front of his superiors he would not divulge anything related to his prior work.

"I-I don't understand," Yuki answered, shivering. "If she's military, at least her family would be told-"

"She works in Tokyo-3," Ikari replied calmly. Yuki suddenly understood. When it came to Tokyo-3, the subject was taboo. No one, civilian or otherwise discussed what they knew, and refused to add to the growing base of rumors. Shinji couldn't help but chuckle at the irony. Within the fortress city, all his classmates got away with spreading far more vital information than what the news reports covered in this older town. Anything that was disclosed here was swiftly reduced to a faint memory, thanks to the diligent work of local law enforcement, who knew asking too many questions would bring far too many interested parties in uniforms to their doorstep.

He could never grasp before the interest Kensuke nor Toji had about what he had done. Now, as a civilian, he wanted to know more desperately than Aida's hacking had permitted. Too bad he had left the others behind.

Yuki commandeered the desk directly to Shinji's right, and let her hand reach out to graze his. Ikari flinched, but did not retreat. The other girls had spread rumors about this girl, about her promiscuity. But in reality, Shinji simply knew she was picking up bad habits from the foreign language class. "It's odd," she once told him. "We describe exactly how we feel with over-stylized dialogue, but Americans get the same message across with a look, a touch, or a lack thereof."

Without a word, Watanabe's eyes lit up, and her face became determined. "Well, we'll just have to go see her family now, won't we?"

Shinji stared at the girl, and shook his head.

Yuki's scowl was instantaneous. "And why not?"

Reaching into his bookbag, Ikari slapped a smart card on the table. It was the newly established photo ID the government was phasing in, white with a grainy picture of the cardholder, a holographic outline of Honshu, and magnetic strip. Yuki recognized some of the insignia stamped along the bottom right sector of the card. Her father's photo ID, she knew, had similar stampings assigned when he was promoted at the defense contractor manufacturing plant just a few kilometers away. The one she did not recognize, however, was the red stamp of the Latin characters E and P.

"What's this?" she asked, pointing to the symbol.

"It means expatriated," Shinji recited. He hoped he didn't need to explain any more.

"...Oh," Yuki cringed, wishing she hadn't brought it up. Those who had this stamp, she had heard, had done something worthy of exile, but for political reasons, were under strict orders not to be removed from the country. A temporary restricted visa could do wonders for national security at far less cost. There were, of course, conspiracy theorists ranting as of late this impotent exile approach was solely used to ensure former high ranking officials could not be used by foreign agents to gain access to secure information. Watanabe, however, was not a politician, nor interested in espionage.

"So, you can't see her, then?"

"Tokyo-3 is off-limits," Shinji explained sadly.

"You can't write her?"

"Contact by expatriates with occupants of that city is prohibited," he repeated mechanically.

Watanabe paused, then grinned mischievously. "What about someone who's never lived there?"

Shinji froze. The one thing he had learned about Yuki over the last couple of weeks is that she was always serious. "Don't even think about it," he started.

"Too late," she grinned. "Already thinking about it."

"Two friends of mine still live there," he argued. "Only one of them can still walk, and both have been lucky so far."

Yuki paused, but did not stop. "You're just trying to scare me, aren't you?"

"You go there, and you're likely to die," Shinji answered. "I barely escaped being nuked my first day in the city." His eyes locked on the girl with a guilt-ridden anguish. "Going there is just stupid."

"You're just saying that to convince yourself," another voice cut in. Shinji glanced up, and noticed Hiroshi Kato, another one of his friends. Well, that was stretching things. Hiroshi was one of those who was too emotionally cold to have friends. Rather, he had associates. "You stayed in that city for a reason, and the odds as of late aren't that grim."

"Yeah," Shinji answered, "because everyone's fleeing."

"They have shelters, you know!"

"Funny thing about that," Shinji replied. "I saw the occupants of a shelter crushed by-" He stopped, not wanting to finish the sentence and reveal sensitive information. Turning his head back out to the window, his lips were sealed.

"Fine," Hiroshi shrugged. "We'll just have to talk to Ms. Ibuki about this."

Shinji turned rapidly, but found the two had already left. While he didn't know Yuki and Hiroshi that well, he knew their type. They were Tokyo-2 natives. They didn't believe the propaganda of the war, nor the obviously fixed news coverage. Everything about that city, they detested, and lumped everything associated with Tokyo-3 as one big lie.

It wasn't that difficult to understand, of course. The former citizens of Tokyo-3 were often the brightest and best in their fields. With the defense contractor industry booming in Tokyo-2, refugees were getting the high paying jobs, while the locals were denied. It was doubly insulting for those who first wished to move out of the city to Tokyo-3's higher paying opportunities in a fully modern city, not a collection of recycled buildings assembled on the government's shoe-string budget shortly after the Second Impact. They were denied once, and denied again.

They would talk to Maya, and very likely find her answers unsatisfactory. There was no doubt in Shinji's mind as he saw the two in the courtyard below, already walking down the sidewalk to the residential sector. He glanced down at his cellphone, but knew Ibuki was busy at work.

Let them find their answers, he thought. Shinji understood, as one from Tokyo-3, they were already dead.

End of Chapter X

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